Ups jokes
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
What did the make-a-wish kid say when the Avengers turn up without Tony Stark?
"We are in the endgame now!"
Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
On Christmas, Mexicans wake up in the morning, then take a nap.
Joking, I know they work hard. They run all the way to the border to decorate the barbed wire.
Two guys were on a hunting trip, and after the first day of hunting, they didn’t see anything, so they decided the next day they would split up and meet back at the fire at dinner time.
After a day of hunting, they meet back at the fire, and one hunter asked the other, “How did your day go?”
The one hunter said, “I had the best day ever! I went down the hill and hunted by the train tracks and saw the hottest chick ever. We had sex for hours in every position you could think of.”
Then the other hunter asked him, “Was she a good lookin’ blond?” And he said, “Oh, I don’t know, I didn’t find her head.”
Memes
What’s one thing a man can do that a woman can’t?
Sit down and shut up.
A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”
What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?
I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!
My friend dreamed of being a porno star.
He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.
The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!
I fucked a chick named Macy, but she had dyslexia.
So I ended up doing the YMCA.
"Is Mrs. Wall here?"
"No."
"Is Mr. Wall here?"
"No."
"Then what is holding up the walls?"
Did you walk up Stephen Hawking's drive?
Don’t worry, he didn’t either.
I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.
After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"
Freddy: I'm coming for you >:)
Me: God, no, help!
*game notification pops up with very loud sound*
I read a sign. What it meant to say is, "You matter, don't give up." What I read was, "You don't matter, give up."
Shut up with that Vegeta looking hairline!
A magician walks up to a girl and asks her to feel the rabbit in the magician's hat.
The magician asks the girl to rub the rabbit. The girl notices the rabbit sticks up and drools; the hat was covering the hips.
Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.
Do you wanna eat makeup, 'cause you're not pretty on the inside?