Ups jokes

Pussies and tits have one thing in common: they're both made for kids, but men end up licking or suckling them.

Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?

Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

Well, I got stuck in the dryer and fell asleep. Then my step bro got home, and I did not know, and hours later I woke up. My pants were down, and my butt was on fire.

Y'know, I never knew Obi-Wan Kenobi participated in an anime, "Snow White with the Red Hair," up until now.

An orphan walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand, "Hey, bum, bum, bum, got a family?"

I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.

What's the difference between emos and 9/11?

The emos are still there, high up off the ground.

There were two twins, and they were both very tall.

The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.

One day at school, little Johnny was not listening, so the teacher came up to him.

Teacher: "At the end of this ruler is someone dumb."

Little Johnny: "Miss, which end were you referring to?"

What do you do when you're bored?

Beat up an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents?

Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?

His internet connection ran out.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common? I fucking hate their whiny asses and beat them up.

If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.

If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.

You're so ugly and fat, and you're so lazy you can't even get your ass up and walk.

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

Ha ha! Get rickrolled!

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

Get the gun, shoot it up your bum!