Ups jokes

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to wake up sleeping pills.

If a person with Down syndrome robs you, what do you say? “I’m up your Down.”

When does a dyslexic person know when they've spelt their address wrong?

When it fails to turn up.

An orphan walked up to St. June's Family Hospital.

Doctor: "Sorry kid, you can't be in here."

I had a girlfriend who was a below-the-knee amputee. We broke up because she just couldn't keep her legs closed.

The penis has a sad life. His hair is always a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.

He also stands up for kids who can't defend themselves.

I don't joke about paraplegics; they wouldn't be able to stand up for themselves.

I was looking forward to my date with this paraplegic girl, but she stood me up.

Your family is so messed up that they shared one brain cell to have you even exist.

How many Bay Street bankers does it take to change a light bulb?

In Toronto? One to hold it up and expect the entire country to revolve around them.

Roses are tree.

I shoved a battery up my butt.

Loona from Helluva Boss is a retarded mutt.

I went to a handicapped comedy club, but all the jokes they told were special, and they didn't know a lot about stand-up at all.

Roses are red,

Lilies are white,

One race ends up dead

And the other ends up bright.

I woke up in my bed today.

You should never suppress a fart. It travels up the spine high into the brain. That's where the shit ideas come from.

Why can't two eggs tell jokes?

Because they will crack each other up!

I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.

Yo mama so dumb she bought a toolkit to open up a Roth IRA.

I bet Steven Hawking $100 if he could catch me.

As soon as he said yes, I climbed up the stairs.

Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."