Ups jokes

My science teacher was talking about natural selection.

At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.

If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."

No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

Bro has to get a fringe to cover up the big, increasing hairline.

What hurts the most? 😹

A. Breaking up before chewing.

B. Breaking up after chewing.

When does a dyslexic person know when they've spelt their address wrong?

When it fails to turn up.

Repeat after me: shut up; shut up; I don’t shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

What is an old lady's favorite exercise?

Trying to get up from the soft couch.

Chuck Norris came up with the name for Walker, Texas Ranger in sheer brilliance. You can arrange each letter for the name of the show to display the true name being "Wrangler Karate Sex!"

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to wake up sleeping pills.

When creating the world, Jesus made the water salty. A person comes up to the water, drinks it, and says: "Why are you so salty?"

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.

When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.

The doctor said, "You're all right now."

I saw a girl with blond hair. She was sexy and beautiful. I thought she was the most hottest girl I ever saw, so I ran up to her feeling hot.

Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."

If y'all look up freshfry jokes, I'll come up. About a year ago, I had a bunch of friends on this app.