Don't say your life is a joke because jokes have meaning.
The three unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
What do you call a single bisexual? All bi myself.
People say that life is short I say... Life is the longest thing we ever do
life’s too short to want it.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."
Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."
Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."
Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."
Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*
Who needs April fools..
When your whole life is a joke?
What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They're both pointless.
A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess. His family is nuts. His neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. And his owner beats him.
My teacher gave us an assignment and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I answered "Happy". The teacher said I didn't understand the test, I said to her that she didn't understand life
You know people always say your life is worth it, but with me it's worth-it-less
One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said "The Mail Man died".
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.
Thankfully I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
Nobody Literally nobody Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven
