Ups jokes

Why don't paralyzed people laugh?

They hate stand-up comedy.

Yo, your hairline so messed up God said your hairline on the cross getting hit on that cross.

Shut up with that Vegeta looking hairline!

A magician walks up to a girl and asks her to feel the rabbit in the magician's hat.

The magician asks the girl to rub the rabbit. The girl notices the rabbit sticks up and drools; the hat was covering the hips.

Teacher on school bus, "Everybody sit down now, the bus is about to start."

Ben: "I’m not going to sit down. I don’t want to."

Teacher: "You have to, or else you have to get off the bus."

Teacher: "*stands up*"

Ben: "Then you should get off the bus 'cause you're not sitting."

Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.

Joe Mama so fat when she stepped on the sidewalk, I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

Pussies and tits have one thing in common: they're both made for kids, but men end up licking or suckling them.

Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?

Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

Well, I got stuck in the dryer and fell asleep. Then my step bro got home, and I did not know, and hours later I woke up. My pants were down, and my butt was on fire.

Y'know, I never knew Obi-Wan Kenobi participated in an anime, "Snow White with the Red Hair," up until now.

An orphan walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand, "Hey, bum, bum, bum, got a family?"

I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.

What's the difference between emos and 9/11?

The emos are still there, high up off the ground.

There were two twins, and they were both very tall.

The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.

One day at school, little Johnny was not listening, so the teacher came up to him.

Teacher: "At the end of this ruler is someone dumb."

Little Johnny: "Miss, which end were you referring to?"

What do you do when you're bored?

Beat up an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents?

Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?

His internet connection ran out.