Ups jokes

Joe Mama so fat when she stepped on the sidewalk, I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

Pussies and tits have one thing in common: they're both made for kids, but men end up licking or suckling them.

Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?

Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!

You know what should give up and stay dead?

Fortnite.

Mommy, mommy, why do I keep running around in circles?

Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Get the gun, shoot it up your bum!

Are you feeling down? Because I wanna feel you up.

If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.

If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.

One day at school, little Johnny was not listening, so the teacher came up to him.

Teacher: "At the end of this ruler is someone dumb."

Little Johnny: "Miss, which end were you referring to?"

There were two twins, and they were both very tall.

The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

What do you do when you're bored?

Beat up an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents?

You're so ugly and fat, and you're so lazy you can't even get your ass up and walk.

Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?

His internet connection ran out.

Never search up "monkey with blue balls."

What do blind kids and orphans have in common? I fucking hate their whiny asses and beat them up.

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

Why did Hitler go for handicap?

Because they can’t stand up for themselves.

Why does fireman wear red suspenders?

To hold his pants up.

I was the person that flew into the Twin Towers. I have two friends that are both twins, and whenever they speak, I tell them to shut up because if they don't, I'll make myself explode in them.