Ups jokes
Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!
Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!
Will: Yey!
Beverly: What should we bring him?
Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!
I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!
Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
On Christmas, Mexicans wake up in the morning, then take a nap.
Joking, I know they work hard. They run all the way to the border to decorate the barbed wire.
Two guys were on a hunting trip, and after the first day of hunting, they didn’t see anything, so they decided the next day they would split up and meet back at the fire at dinner time.
After a day of hunting, they meet back at the fire, and one hunter asked the other, “How did your day go?”
The one hunter said, “I had the best day ever! I went down the hill and hunted by the train tracks and saw the hottest chick ever. We had sex for hours in every position you could think of.”
Then the other hunter asked him, “Was she a good lookin’ blond?” And he said, “Oh, I don’t know, I didn’t find her head.”
Why should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
What does the EPA issue when a person stinks up a room with their smelly farts?
Air quality alert code brown!
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:
Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.
What’s one thing a man can do that a woman can’t?
Sit down and shut up.
A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”
Yo mama so fat that you need a jack stand to get her up.
What goes up but doesn't come down?
Your hairline is so messed up, it made Jeffrey Dahmer cry.
Do you wanna eat makeup, 'cause you're not pretty on the inside?
Freddy: I'm coming for you >:)
Me: God, no, help!
*game notification pops up with very loud sound*
What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad?
The pizza guy shows up when you call him.
Not a joke, but here's a good workout, I guess:
Sit-ups: 50
Push-ups: 40
Squats: 30
Do 5 sets.
What did the ass say to the joke?
"You crack me up!"
What is a terrorist's favorite song?
"Pumped Up Kicks."
What do you call a booty that can sing?
A crack-up!