Ups jokes
What’s one thing a man can do that a woman can’t?
Sit down and shut up.
A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”
What did the ass say to the joke?
"You crack me up!"
What is a terrorist's favorite song?
"Pumped Up Kicks."
Why should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
Memes
What does the EPA issue when a person stinks up a room with their smelly farts?
Air quality alert code brown!
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:
Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.
I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it would probably go up in flames.
My friend dreamed of being a porno star.
He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.
The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!
I fucked a chick named Macy, but she had dyslexia.
So I ended up doing the YMCA.
"Is Mrs. Wall here?"
"No."
"Is Mr. Wall here?"
"No."
"Then what is holding up the walls?"
Did you walk up Stephen Hawking's drive?
Don’t worry, he didn’t either.
I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.
After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"
Why did the rapper become a chef?
Because he was always COOKING UP RHYMES!
I’m trying to see things from LEO’S perspective... but I just can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
Freddy: I'm coming for you >:)
Me: God, no, help!
*game notification pops up with very loud sound*
I read a sign. What it meant to say is, "You matter, don't give up." What I read was, "You don't matter, give up."
Shut up with that Vegeta looking hairline!
A magician walks up to a girl and asks her to feel the rabbit in the magician's hat.
The magician asks the girl to rub the rabbit. The girl notices the rabbit sticks up and drools; the hat was covering the hips.