Ups jokes

"Candice balls fit up your nose."

A boy tried to give a tree a high-five, but instead, he ended up hanging.

A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

Mommy, Mommy, are you an archer?

"Shut up and keep the apple on your head still."

Mommy, Mommy! Are we dragons?

Shut up and don’t breathe on the drapes.

Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."

I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."

I was thinking of starting up a stair company, but there were too many steps to it.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

When I got to school, they gave me an Acer laptop, so I went up to the teacher and aced her.

If you look up the word "wheelchair" in a dictionary, you will see a picture of Stephen Hawking.

Why do orphans like Minecraft? So they can build a home...

But a creeper blows it up.

What do emos do when they meet up?

They hang out.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Q: Get up for a chair joke!

A: Oh, never mind, you can sit down.

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when all of a sudden, Paddy falls down a manhole. Murphy shouts down, "Paddy, is it dark down there?"

Paddy shouts up, "Dunno Murphy, I crnt see a fecking thing!"

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

When you are sitting outside at school and this boy comes up to you with a rock in his hand and says, "Do you know where Mrs. Stewart is at?"

Did you know emo kids are the highest jumpers in the world? Some are still up there!