Ups jokes

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

I walked up to some Arabs and said "Alawakba," then here came the second tower.

An orphan comes up to me and says, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

Wow, you did 10 chin-ups? Was it 1 for each chin?

What did the Twin Towers say when they saw the airplane?

Batter up!

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

Why does Adolf hate golf?

He ended up in the bunker.

How did a man know his wife died?

Dishis start piling up.

Yo mamma's so fat no one was laughing, but the ground was cracking up.

Why don’t alligators grow up to 15 feet?

They only have 4.

How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?

Skelesore.

Kevin Woody (look him up)

What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?

Stand-up comedy.

I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.