Ups jokes

Did you know emo kids are the highest jumpers in the world? Some are still up there!

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

How do you make a body disappear?

You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!

P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.

New teacher: Everyone stand up if you think you are stupid.

Student: Stands up.

Teacher: Why did you stand up?

Student: I hate seeing you stand up there by yourself.

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”

The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”

The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”

I was doing a race, and I started after everyone 'cause I fell, but when I got up I realized I couldn't even race, not because I was behind, but because I can't go straight if I'm gay...

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

How can a guy do stand up comedy in a wheelchair?

Deku: Hey Todoroki, are you done with your Halloween costume?

Todoroki: Yes. *comes out in a macaroni outfit*

Deku: Wha- I'm todoroni.

Bakugo: OMFG, I'm out! *blows up UA*

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

Q: What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

A: Loading up the dishwasher.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony. He opened up a pasta shop and made some macaroni.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

Why does Adolf hate golf?

He ended up in the bunker.

An orphan walked up to a baseball field, but a security guard said he couldn't come in because it was a home game.

My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.