Ups jokes
A boy tried to give a tree a high-five, but instead, he ended up hanging.
What happens when a cow farm gets destroyed, then built up again?
It'll be udder renovation!
Mommy, Mommy, are you an archer?
"Shut up and keep the apple on your head still."
Mommy, Mommy! Are we dragons?
Shut up and don’t breathe on the drapes.
Why is Stephen Hawking not scared of anyone?
His wheelchair always backs him up.
Memes
I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."
A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."
What do emos do when they meet up?
They hang out.
I was thinking of starting up a stair company, but there were too many steps to it.
I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.
I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!
Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."
Why do orphans like Minecraft? So they can build a home...
But a creeper blows it up.
Me and my friend roasting each other.
Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.
Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.
Q: Get up for a chair joke!
A: Oh, never mind, you can sit down.
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
Well, we started off by ripping up ALL of the decking.
Abandon ship!
You know that your grades are bad when you get a 66% on a test and your grade goes up.
A girl with no arms and one leg goes to her mother and asks: "Mom, next year for the carnival, can I dress up as a princess?"
The mother replies: "Why? Didn't you like the ice lolly dress from last year?"
A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.