Ups jokes

How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?

Skelesore.

I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

What type of bee can't make up his mind?

A maybe.

Did you know emo kids are the highest jumpers in the world? Some are still up there!

I mess up goats for unicorns?

Jimmy the Unicorn or goat.

I don't even know.

Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.

A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."

The officer said, "There is no traffic."

The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"

How do you make a body disappear?

You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!

P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."

Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"

Yo mama is so ugly, when she looked at the mirror, I cracked up.

Dulux have created a new type of paint. It's called "Sue Grey." It covers up everything.

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?

I told him to be a stand-up comedian!

These jokes have a good build up, but in the end, they all come crashing down.

What do emos do when they meet up?

They hang out.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 and 976 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone, and money falls out.