Ups jokes
I’m in a wheelchair and I can do stand-up comedy, oh wait...
What do orphans and broken up couples have in common?
They can't see each other anymore.
When your friends [are] talking about sports:
Jake says, "It was 17.56M people watching [the] basketball championship."🦁
Sam says, "It was 113M people watching the Super Bowl." 😯🐱
Avion says, "It was up from 1.12 billion people watching [the] World Cup." 😶🙀
My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...
Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.
What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.
Suicide isn't funny, but you can spice it up by wearing a fun hat.
Why do orphans never wake up in the morning? Their dad can’t wake them up.
If you are a bully at a school, when you get home, find an orphan and beat them up!
What are they going to do? Tell the orphan lady to tell you to stop? 😆😝
I was doing a magic show. I tried to make a bunny disappear, but it didn’t work.
I walked outside in shame. I looked up and realised the towers had disappeared!!!!
This is fucked up, my name is Shaylie.
Why do emo kids sneak up on their Vietnamese grandfathers? Because they hope the war experience kicks in.
You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."
My sister told me she liked Medusa.
I said, "Huh?"
My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
Mommy, mommy! Are we drug dealers?
Shut up and cut the coke.
Why don't orphans go home at pickup?
Because they don't have parents to pick them up.
When you're so rich that you can buy anything, you end up getting a cow in your living room. Yeah, anyways, my ex is still in my living room.
I can't stand up when I laugh hard; neither can they.
I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?