Ups jokes

I'd mop the floor with your face, but you might just mess it up more.

What does a deaf person and an orphan have in common? They both can’t hear their parents.

Why can’t an orphan go to Family Dollar? They don’t have a family.

Don’t mess with an emo because if their friends pull up, you gotta fight the suicide squad.

The two brothers were sitting next to each other. They played with planes all day long. They got too violent, and now their sister (World Trade Center) stands there. The brothers were put up for adoption, and the planes were given back to their owners.

A man has the power to grant anyone a wish they want.

A kid comes up and says, "I want to be like Batman!"

The man smiles and grants his wish. The child goes home and finds that he is now an orphan.

Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.

Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.

Kidnapper: ...

Why don't Indians play soccer?

Because every time they take a corner, they open up a shop.

This category is messed up.

My Mom died in 9/11, at least she was doing what she loved, flying planes.

Imagine going up to an emo and saying, "You're just like a spider, you're both good at hanging."

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

What does a bungee jumper and a homosexual have in common?

When the rubber snaps, they both end up in the shit! 💩

Kobe couldn’t clutch up with the rift to go.

Your mom is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the bed.

What did the bird do when he ate the expired worm?

He flew up!

Friend: Slavery isn't good.

Other friend: Yeah, it's terrible.

Me: Shut up and get me a juice!

It’s so sad because Stephen Hawking can’t even stand up for himself after all these mean jokes.

Son: Hey, Dad, I'm cold. Can you give me a lift from work?

Dad: Hi Cold, nice to meet you. Sorry, I don't pick up strangers.

Son: I hate you!

Mom: Son, get up for school.

Son: I AM UP *holds up books and says I'm up* IM UP MOM!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, We're breaking up because I never loved you.

If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.

Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.

A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"

Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"