Ups jokes

I walk up to a kid. I ask where his parents are, and he started crying. Then I walked out of the orphanage.

What's the difference between an orphan and a dew?

One goes up and one goes down.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"

If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.

Why do disabled people not like comedians?

Because they do stand up.

What's so special about Palestinian sex dolls?

They blow themselves up.

Your momma is so stupid, she farted and turned the radio on to cover up the smell.

People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.

Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.

I’m in a wheelchair and I can do stand-up comedy, oh wait...

9/11 jokes are that deadly not even the towers could hold themselves up.

Jeffrey Dahmer likes his men how he likes his coffee: black and ground up.

My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...

Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.

The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

Why can't Stephen Hawking win any arguments?

Because he can't stand up for himself.

What is the first thing you would do if you woke up as a woman?

"Probably the dishes."

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

What did the wizard say when he was filling up the gas tank? "Expensive Petroleum!"

I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.