Ups jokes

It’s so sad because Stephen Hawking can’t even stand up for himself after all these mean jokes.

Son: Hey, Dad, I'm cold. Can you give me a lift from work?

Dad: Hi Cold, nice to meet you. Sorry, I don't pick up strangers.

Son: I hate you!

Mom: Son, get up for school.

Son: I AM UP *holds up books and says I'm up* IM UP MOM!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, We're breaking up because I never loved you.

If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.

Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.

A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"

Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"

Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock.

He finally got up there, but a bird stole his co-.

Q: Why do Americans fish with guns?

A: To shoot up the whole school.

Yo mama so fat, when she went up the elevator, the World Trade Center collapsed.

How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?

A blender.

How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.

What was the winning play at the leper football game?

A hand off up the middle.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

What comes next in the pattern, ottffs?

S, because it represents numbers going up: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.

He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

But her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom jeans!

Your mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!

My sister is the weird dark one and emo of the family. I'm the bright happy one. Once in 3rd grade, I got a huge A on mine, and my sis got a D-.

In the playground near a tree, we were sitting and playing. I said, "Hey, a C- is not that bad," and raised my hand up to give her a high five, but she left me hanging.