Paint jokes
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance, they looked like hare.
The saddest painting you will see is a mirror.
A boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other. The crews were marooned.
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.
The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.
"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.
"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Everything is so racist these days, you can't even say "black paint" anymore. You now have to say "Tyrone can you please paint that wall?"
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
Why did the snail paint a big "S" on his car?
Because he wanted people to say look at that S-car go when he rolled by.
Little Johnny likes to play with toy guns.
Little Johnny paints them black.
Little Johnny went to a gun store.
Little Johnny made a big mess.
The cemetery people were getting paid.
What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?
They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.
So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.
Putin's words paint a picture of his world as vast, but in reality, it is shrinking.
If the red house is on the left, and the blue house on the right, where is the white house?
In Washington D.C.
How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What's blue and bad for your teeth?
A green brick that's painted blue after the original paint dries (it takes a little while to dry), but after it dries you can paint it and then it will be green. If the brick is green it is called a green brick as it is green (not blue anymore) and it hurts your teeth because brick is a hard material that can damage the bones in your mouth (also known as your teeth).
When God make white people he said, "FUCK I'M OUT OF PAINT!"
What do painters and prostitutes have in common?
They're both paid for a good finish.
What does it take to paint a wall red?
Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
Did you hear about that one guy who dipped his balls in paint?
My friend said they were “Pretty nuts!”
I painted my dad white so he wouldn’t leave.