Ups

Ups jokes

Orangutan

    • Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

    Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

    LOL

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    • Bus

    • I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.

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    • Ups memes

    Wheelchair

    • I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

    I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

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    • Cream

    • Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face, and he asks her, "Why are you rubbing that stuff on your face, mother?"

    His mother replies, "To make myself beautiful, Johnny."

    A few minutes later, she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her, "What is the matter? Are you giving up?"

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    • Candle

    • How can you light up a candle in a ship which does not contain any instrument and you are alone with just a packet of candles?

    Answer: Just throw one candle in the sea; the boat will become lighter.

    Bar

    • Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"

    The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.

    Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."

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    • Elephant

    • Q: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

    A: To hide up cherry trees.

    Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

    A: Giraffes eating cherries.

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    • Birthday

    • My birthday's on September 11th, I'm gonna turn the fuck up and throw a banger! Then rub my tits in birthday cake frosting!!! WOOOOOOOOO!

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    • Robot

    • Mother, father, and a son. Father purchased a robot that can detect lies. The robot slaps when you lie.

    During dinner time: Father: Son, what have you done today? Son: I watched Netflix, Dad. Robot: Stood up and slapped the son! Son: Okay! Okay! I watched porn, Dad. Dad: What? You watched porn? You are only 14! I never knew porn till I was 18 years of age. Robot: Stood up and slapped the Dad! Mother: Started to laugh and said "Sure he is your son!" Robot: Stood up and slapped the mother!

    Hehe

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    • Bar

    • A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.

    Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."

    Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."

    "Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."

    Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."

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    • Teacher

    • What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?

    You can shut the book up.

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