Ups jokes

What is an emoticon's favorite dessert?

An emochi. (search up mochi)

How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?

Skelesore.

Which legendary Dutch wanderer slept for twenty years, except when he got up to pee?

Rip Van Tinkle.

I love stairs. They always bring me up.

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?

Stand-up comedy.

I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Q: Get up for a chair joke!

A: Oh, never mind, you can sit down.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.

A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."

The officer said, "There is no traffic."

The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"

What did the blonde say when someone says, "Your baby is so cute?"

"For the last time, I don't want to sign up my child for Tindergarten just yet!"

Jordan, you stupid ass! Addison never bothered you so leave her the FUCK alone! How about this? Get up, go outside, stop being a jackass, and get a fucking life!

Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."

Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"

Yo mama is so ugly, when she looked at the mirror, I cracked up.

Dulux have created a new type of paint. It's called "Sue Grey." It covers up everything.

What type of bee can't make up his mind?

A maybe.

When you are sitting outside at school and this boy comes up to you with a rock in his hand and says, "Do you know where Mrs. Stewart is at?"

Go up to someone and say, "I'm sorry for your loss," and see what they do.