Ups jokes

It's tricky when you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship, but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.

Hi guys, I'm back! So I have a question for you. What is red and smells like blue paint? Type in comments what you came up with.

Bf: Babe, do you love me?

Gf: Of course, why do you ask?

Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.

This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.

Son: Mom, can I tell you something?

Mom: Yes, of course, honey, what's up?

Son: Ok, you have terrible jokes! They're not even funny!

Mom: Well, I made you.

A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.

What is an emoticon's favorite dessert?

An emochi. (search up mochi)

I love stairs. They always bring me up.

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

Which legendary Dutch wanderer slept for twenty years, except when he got up to pee?

Rip Van Tinkle.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your smile's warmth, Lights up my view.

Q: What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

A: Loading up the dishwasher.

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"

Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.