Worst Jokes Ever

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

What first went through Sally's mind when the Nazis came? - A bullet.

Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but Chuck Norris does.

I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

Who says Rihanna isn't charitable?

I mean, she found Johnny Depp for her fashion show by scouting for people living in tents down in Skid Row.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.

Jesus created the T-pose first.

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?

Because he's dead.

Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.

Tell someone to look in their shirt and spell attic. Hehe.

I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.

Simply because they look up to me.