englishcm

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

A girl's pussy is a muff, and when we have something against our mouths, they say our voice is muffled, so do I think the origin of the word "muffled" is talking while eating muff?

A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

Haven't had sex since I got out of jail; although sex in jail wasn't that great, either.

What's the difference between an onion and a baby? I only tear up cutting the onion.

You know what's the most awkward situation in the world? A rapper with erectile dysfunction.

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

What's the difference between your girlfriend and sister? Nothing if you're from Alabama.

I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.

I finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I purely drink for evil.

How is sports like regular life for orphans?

They don't get picked for either.

Why is it everyone wants to rub a pregnant woman's stomach but never the man's balls where the baby actually came from and the real ones that deserve the congratulations?

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

What do Jesus and I have in common?

No one knows my real bday either.

Official orgasm donor.

How does Jesus whistle?

By blowing through the holes in his hands.

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

What is Mozart doing right now ?

Decomposing

Why do they call my dick section 8?

Because all the hoes are on it.