Worst Jokes Ever

You're so poor you wash paper plates.

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo!

On a scale of 1-10, how old was Michael Jackson’s last boyfriend?

What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?

Mourning wood.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their ankles.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

How do you give a redneck a circumcision? Kick his sister in the jaw.

Are you a bowling ball? Because I want to stick 3 fingers in you.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

F is for friends who don't talk to you.

U is for Ur alone.

N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.

I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

What do you get when King Kong steps on Batman and Robin?

Flatman and Ribbon.

What does a lesbian bring on the second date?

A U-Haul.

I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.