Worst Jokes Ever

I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.

My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?

Ohhh, an owner.

What do you call a sophisticated American?

A Canadian.

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

Here’s a trick I learned to do on the calculator.

Sally had 69 boobs (69) which was too too too many (69222), so she went to the doctor on 51st street (6922251), and he said to take a certain pill 8 times a day (6922251 times 8), which left her (flip your calculator over)

Boobless.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

What is Hitler's favorite book? "Hitler and the chamber of secrets."

What's Thanos' favorite game?

Half-life.

What do you call a German lesbian?

A krautmuncher.

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.

I called a suicidal hotline in Iraq and they asked me if I could drive a truck.

You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

Why can't an orphan play Family Feud? Because it has to have a family.

A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked him what he was supposed to be. He answered, "A turtle."

"Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again.

The boy answered, "It's Michelle."

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet.

He scares the shit out of it.

What do you call an Asian prostitute?

Suck Mi Dong.