If I wanted to kill myself I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your iq
Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do? A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!
The Trump cocktail .Take a large glass + fill it with a ounce of everything behind the bar . Top it with whipped cream and a cherry . Now for the hard part Finding a Mexican to pay for it .
If I was an object in this world I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I’m a star! Because one of these days I’m going to crash and burn…
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.
If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I’m like an eggshell… broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I’m like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I’m like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I’m like a shity book cover… because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety
Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?
A. They guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.
Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love she is always on top?
Donald Trump can only F@#k up.
Ok, so a white guy and a black guy are standing on the roof of a 10-story high skyscraper. The white guy says to the black guy “I bet you can’t jump down to the ground and back up here without dying.”
The black guy looks at the white guy like he’s NUTS. “Oh really? Before I even TRY, you gotta do it!”
So the white guy jumps, falls all 10 stories, and leaps back to the top of the skyscraper. “Ok,” he says, it’s your turn. So the black guy jumps. He falls the 10 stories, SPLAT!
A pedestrian that was just passing by looks up and says, “Y’know, you could be a real d… sometimes, Superman.”
Two gay guys are in a burning building, who gets out first. The one on the top or the bottom?
The bottom because his shits already packed.