Jump

Narf69

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your iq

Fire

Anonymous

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? – Steven Hawking after a house fire.

Boiling

Anonymous

How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled? The wheelchair floats to the top

America

Ivy

Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do? A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!

Trump

Greg

Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love she is always on top?

Donald Trump can only F@#k up.

Puns

Credit to mah friend

Rainbows TOP the class as they always score with flying colours

Girl

Anonymous

One day Nathan came in ten minutes late to Mr Jones’s class. Mr Jones asked him, “Nathan, what do you have to say for yourself?” Nathan says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill. Then Dave came in a further ten minutes late to Mr Jones’s class. Mr Jones asked him, “Dave, what do you have to say for yourself?” Dave says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill. Then Mike came in a further ten minutes late to Mr Jones’s class. Mr Jones asked him, “Mike, what do you have to say for yourself?” Mike says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill. Then five minutes later a new girl walked in to Mr Jones’s lesson. Mr Jones is at the end of his tether now and says, “Who are you and why are you late?” The new girl says, “Sir, I’m called Cherry Hill”

Depression

Sad and lonely

If I was an object in this world I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I’m a star! Because one of these days I’m going to crash and burn…

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I’m like an eggshell… broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I’m like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I’m like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I’m like a shity book cover… because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me…

Man

Sabers the fox

Two cannibals have just captured a man and are about to eat him, so they cook him and lay him on a table. the first cannibal says “you start at the bottom I start at the top” so they both chow down. about half an hour later, the second cannibal says “i’m having a ball” then than the the first cannibal says “than you’re eating too fast”

Music

Anonymous

Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That’s only the 2nd thing he was a top in.

Puns

Ally

So, there was this cop on the top bunk of a bunk bed. Another cop walks in and sits on the bottom bunk and the cop on the top bunk bed said, "You’re under a-rest."©

Teacher

Overcome, change adapt

I was sitting in math class, and our teacher doesn’t like it if we don’t work on math in his class. So I did science homework on top of a math book

Woman

dankmemester

i like my woman like i like my coffee in a big sack on top of donkey

Fire

Fire

Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?

A. They guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.

Fire

Kellyboy

What’s Black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawkins in a house fire.

Difference

smartass

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, “I’ll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that’s why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat.” . Says that little boy: “But mama, that does not make any difference.” “Oh no?” the mom asks. “No,” says the little boy, “When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and sheblows his belly up again!”

Depression

Chkn Nuget Dino

A depressed man was caught on top of the empire state building with marijuana, needless to say, he didn’t want to come down.

Nun

Anonymous

Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience. The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, “if you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!”

Trump

Anonymous

The Trump cocktail .Take a large glass + fill it with a ounce of everything behind the bar . Top it with whipped cream and a cherry . Now for the hard part Finding a Mexican to pay for it .

Girl

DHS

There are two siblings. A little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home. So they get to the bigger brothers house, and walk in his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.” The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, " can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.

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