Worst Jokes Ever

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

A blind man walks into a bar, and a table, and a door, and a staircase.

What flour do you give an orphan?

Self-raising.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

I got a PS5 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

1 like = 1 more child in my blender.

So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"

Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.