NASA found water on Mars
Mars - 1
Africa - 0
murder muffin
heyyey i like dark humor :) go like my jokes 👊👊
Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"
Patient: "Cancer?"
Doctor: "What a coincidence."
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
whats the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? about 140 calories
what did the woman with no hands get for christmas? no idea. she hasn’t opened her present yet.
what's the difference between ironman and ironwoman? one is a superhero and the other is a simple command.
what’s the difference between a lamborghini and a dead body? i don’t have a lamborghini in my garage.
titanic. doing the polar plunge before it was cool.
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
if you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. but donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. geez!
she wears short skirts i wear t-shirts and we're both getting sent home from school because its distracting to boys apparently
doctor: you need to eat healthy
me: no
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after i suggested it died
me: oh my goodness
doctor: in a plane crash
me: that sounds unrelated
doctor: i'm the one that crashed it. do not disobey me
COP: Are you high?
ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff
boss: you're fired
me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
boss: you're a waiter where did you get those
me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhhh
me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate it when this happens
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks, i'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you're what
how does a train eat?
it goes chew chew
why is 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 is a registered 6 offender
when my grandpa was 65 he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
he's 70 now and we have no idea where he is