murder muffin

heyyey i like dark humor :) go like my jokes 👊👊
Registered on · 17 followers · Last active 2 years ago

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

the doctor gave me one year to live, so i shot him with my gun. the judge gave me 15 years. problem solved!

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

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  • If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!

    She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, and we're both getting sent home from school because it's distracting to boys, apparently.

    doctor: you need to eat healthy.

    me: no.

    doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

    me: oh my goodness.

    doctor: in a plane crash.

    me: that sounds unrelated.

    doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

    COP: Are you high?

    ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*

    COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.

    Boss: You're fired.

    Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

    Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

    Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

    Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

    Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.

    Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.

    Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!

    Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?