murder muffin

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heyyey i like dark humor :) go like my jokes 👊👊

murder muffin

NASA found water on Mars

Mars - 1

Africa - 0

murder muffin

doctor: what's your zodiac sign?

patient: cancer?

doctor: what a coincidence

murder muffin

girl: hey why don't you come over?

guy: i cant. cops are looking for me, they say i killed 2 people.

girl: cmon, my parents aren't home.

guy: about that. . .

murder muffin

whats the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? about 140 calories

murder muffin

what did the woman with no hands get for christmas? no idea. she hasn’t opened her present yet.

murder muffin

what's the difference between ironman and ironwoman? one is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

murder muffin

what’s the difference between a lamborghini and a dead body? i don’t have a lamborghini in my garage.

murder muffin

how many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, they all sit in the dark and cry.

murder muffin

titanic. doing the polar plunge before it was cool.

murder muffin

the doctor gave me one year to live, so i shot him with my gun. the judge gave me 15 years. problem solved!

murder muffin

they say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

murder muffin

if you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. but donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. geez!

murder muffin

she wears short skirts i wear t-shirts and we're both getting sent home from school because its distracting to boys apparently

murder muffin

doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i'm the one that crashed it. do not disobey me

murder muffin

COP: Are you high?

ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff

murder muffin

boss: you're fired

me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

boss: you're a waiter where did you get those

murder muffin

me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhhh

me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate it when this happens

murder muffin

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks, i'm rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you're what