murder muffin

heyyey i like dark humor :) go like my jokes 👊👊
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Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

what did the woman with no hands get for christmas? no idea. she hasn’t opened her present yet.

what's the difference between ironman and ironwoman? one is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

what’s the difference between a lamborghini and a dead body? i don’t have a lamborghini in my garage.

how many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, they all sit in the dark and cry.

the doctor gave me one year to live, so i shot him with my gun. the judge gave me 15 years. problem solved!

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.


if you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. but donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. geez!

she wears short skirts i wear t-shirts and we're both getting sent home from school because its distracting to boys apparently

doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i'm the one that crashed it. do not disobey me

COP: Are you high?

ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff

boss: you're fired

me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

boss: you're a waiter where did you get those

me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhhh

me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate it when this happens

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks, i'm rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you're what