NASA found water on Mars.
Mars - 1
Africa - 0
murder muffin
heyyey i like dark humor :) go like my jokes 👊👊
Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"
Patient: "Cancer?"
Doctor: "What a coincidence."
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
What's the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.
What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Titanic, doing the polar plunge before it was cool.
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!
She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, and we're both getting sent home from school because it's distracting to boys, apparently.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
COP: Are you high?
ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?
How does a train eat?
It goes, "chew chew."
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.