Worst Jokes Ever

Wanna know why your pussy reminds me of a garbage bag?

Because you fill it, stretch it out, and let it stink for weeks.

Why can't gay men be handymen?

Because they'll be caulk fighting on the job.

Now that I think about it, Jane Doe's story actually makes complete sense. If I were dumb enough to show up blackout drunk for a threesome at a frat party, it'd probably also take me 20 days of regret to realize that being raped is a way better look than a gang-bang straight off of Pornhub.

What do Jane Doe and a cheap discount store have in common?

When the shop's open late, inventory management shuts down, but we all know there's probably some sausages in there.

What do women and wine bottles have in common?

They both have a hole you can plug and unplug.

New degree plans announced by Cornell University:

- Frat Studies, includes classes in acquiring ketamine and arranging threesomes with your homeboy and some random girl.

- Sorority Studies, includes classes in oral sex, binge drinking, and bullshitting after the fact.

- Consent Theory, teaches the new generation that "Yes" means "No" and your problems can all be solved by regretting your own poor decision-making (the shop's still open btw).

Yo mama so fat, when she is on her period, she floods the entire town with her blood.

I got my math test back today. I am Asian and raised in an Asian household, so I was worried about what I was going to get.

I got a 95%.

I'm having warm dinner tonight!

P.S. True story, lol.

My sister was getting something from the basement, and seeing rats, she said: "Rats are so disgusting and ugly."

I turned to her, "Sis, self-hate is not okay."

What do you get when you add one whole and one whole?

Two holes, dummy!

I feel sorry that your hairline deployed from war with your forehead.

What do a track meet and a frat house have in common?

They both have something getting ran through by eight men while it just sits there.

I hear scientists have been experimenting with a new diet at Cornell University: just straight meat for 7 hours a night, all night long, with a side of alcohol to keep the shop open.

I hear Cornell produces very dedicated farmers; they’ll plow a field all night long no matter how much resistance she gives ’em.

What’s the difference between Jane Doe and a roller coaster?

You can ride both on Ketamine, but only one will get you on the news.

TODAY'S BRAIN CELL COUNT:

2, and both are competing for 5th place.

OKAYYYY guys, today we're going to make DIY bath bombs. I bet y'all already have the first ingredient right here in your kitchen:

*looks at toaster*

That last brain cell must've been your dad, because it left without you knowing.

My field trip at school earlier:

Little Timmy (angrily): "I WANT MY IPAD!"

Ms. Melina: "We can have it at school if you turn your day around."

Little Timmy: "BUT I WANT IT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"

Ms. Melina: "But we're heading back to school."

Little Timmy: "B**TCH, I HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING HOME!"

Little Timmy *starts banging the bus window*

Little Timmy: "THAT’S IT, I F**KING HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING TO CANADA!"

Ms. Melina: "TIMMY, STOP IT! THE SCHOOL IS GONNA MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT WINDOW IF YOU BREAK IT!"

Me: "Let’s just tell his family to move to Shadow Bay anyways because Red Oaks would be so f**king good for him."

*Window breaks*

Ms. Melina: "STOP THAT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"

Little Timmy: "BUT JEFFY AND JUNIOR ARE PICKING ME UP AND TAKING ME TO F**KING CANADA RIGHT NOW! LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!"

Ms. Melina: "THAT’S IT TIMMY, YOU'RE SO F**KING BUSTED! I’M CALLING MS. ALEJANDRA RIGHT NOW!"

The end.

Autistic students are the best, hands down!