Worst Jokes Ever
I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Girls are like math, if they're under 10, use your fingers.
Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.
It’s true women do make less money than men.
But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
How is Stephen Hawking so smart? He uploads it to his software.
My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
What is a prostitute's favorite form of traffic control?
Speed humps.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
Why were the twin towers mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but instead they got plain.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
A depresso espresso.
JK.
It's cyanide.
What do you call Stephen Hawking in a burning building?
Hot Wheels.
The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."
Why is the B so cool? Because it’s in between A and C.
What’s Mexico’s favorite sport?
Cross country.
I wanted to make a joke about homework, but sadly, I'm an orphan.
This is so sad, Alexa, play Despacito.
What’s the difference between an Indian and Jewish person?
An Indian person is burnt after death.
Why are Indians such good actors?
Most of them are phone scammers.