Worst Jokes Ever
You got a dig bick.
You read that wrong.
You read that wrong too.
Maybe you read that wrong as well.
You just went and back-checked.
You reread all of that.
You have a pet wussy.
You read that wrong...
You need mental help.
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.
Yo mama so fat, she got baptized at SeaWorld.
Teacher: Your bag is heavy, what's in there?
Weird Kid: Magazines.
A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."
Person: I broke my arm in three places.
Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that little thing?
What’s the key to a successful relationship?
Consent.
How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?
Suicide is never the answer.
Suicide is the question.
The answer is yes.
What's long, black and full of seamen? A submarine.
Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.
"Sanderson, fire a warning shot."
"Uhh sir, this is an M32 rotary grenade launcher."
"Ah potato-potato, just pull the trigger."
You want to hear some marriage jokes?
Don't worry, it's just a couple.
What's the difference between an erection and Edward Holland? Nothing, they're both dicks.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
How do you know when a football player has been to jail?
When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.