Worst Jokes Ever

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.

Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No, he hasn't either.

What do you call physically handicapped, homophobic, heterosexual men and women in wheelchairs?

Mixed nuts.

Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?

He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

What is the difference between Putin and Hitler? Putin no longer supplies gas and Hitler gives it away for free.

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.

Everyone likes orphans but their parents.

How do you avoid getting raped? Never say no.

Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler, but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blueberry.

What is Mozart doing right now? -- Decomposing.

What's a depressed person's favorite drink? A dipresso espresso.

What can you say to make a rape victim feel better?

"It will be over soon."

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalottapuss.