Worst Jokes Ever
I’m like an escalator because I’m always letting people down.
It's not rape if they can't say no. Duct tape.
What's the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.
What do city plumbers and pedophiles have in common?
They both lay pipes in public parks.
Why do you have to watch your back at NASA? They want to probe Uranus.
Where did Kobe go after the helicopter crashed? Everywhere.
Q: What's a pedophile's favorite place to eat?
A: Schools because there is a wide variety of choices.
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
What is big, annoying, and full of blubber?
90% of America's population.
Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”
Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”
Patient: “Right around the entrance.”
Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”
What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?
Children scream when they melt.
What did the processor say when it was being overclocked?
"Stop it! It hertz so much!"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
Having an abortion will make you so tired... it literally sucks the life out of you.
What is the worst comedy for disabled people?
Stand-up comedy!
What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!
Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.
I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.