Worst Jokes Ever
What do city plumbers and pedophiles have in common?
They both lay pipes in public parks.
Satanism is such an ugly word. I prefer the term, "red skin appreciation."
One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.
Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
Then I was even sadder, because that lucky guy didn't even *need* shoes!
What do you call a group of Emo kids?
Suicide Squad.
What jumps and never let's go?
An Emo kid.
I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.
Dead.
Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?
The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.
Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?
Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.
Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.
What do you call it when Hitler abuses his wife?
Adolf Hit Her.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.
911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
Why does OSHA require women to wear panties?
Because every manhole needs a cover.
Roses are red, life has no meaning, voices in my head, are constantly screaming.
My dad coming back.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
What did the deaf man say to the blind man before he fell into the well?
Nothing.
Why would a vegetarian never moan during sex?
They don't wanna admit that a piece of meat made them happy.