How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights.
What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.
Warning, this is dark.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch? Give 'em a Sandy Hook.
Yo mama's so fat that when she went sky diving, she caused another global extinction.
Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝
“I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”
My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.
Guess what? I have a baby in ten trashcans.
Why doesn't China have a cricket team?
They always eat the bat.
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.
I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.
Guy: Do you know how to draw women's rights?
Girl: No, how?
Guy: All you need is a blank paper, and that's it.
A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."
Bro's hair looks like Buzz Lightyear, going to infinity and beyond!
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.
What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
A new game the whole family can play...
Incest.
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
