Worst Jokes Ever
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
Why are vaginas and the Mariana Trench similar? Lots of seamen go missing there.
What’s Kobe Bryant’s favorite rapper? NLE Choppa.
It's not pedophilia, it's early access.
So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
Same time next month?
What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.
What is the difference between a feminist and a gorilla? One of them is fat and hairy, while the other one has a functional brain (the gorilla, of course).
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? He thought they were a delivery service.
I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.
I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.
It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.
Disney just released a new film about a poor kid with cancer. It’s called Finding Chemo.
Alabama.
Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.
Your forehead's so big that it has its own gravitational pull.
Why should you stay away from trees? - Because they wanna be leafed alone.
If at first you don't succeed,
Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
Francis Pope, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and a little boy were on a falling airplane. There were 3 parachutes. Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps off the plane saying, “The world needs my leadership!” Barack Obama grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world,” so he jumps off the plane. At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane. The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.” The little boy says, “actually there are two, you see, Donald Trump took my backpack.”
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.