Worst Jokes Ever
What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?
I don't care if she has either.
Who led the Israelites through the semipermeable membrane?
Osmoses.
Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an orphan?
An orphan is more capable of speaking clearly.
You're so fat the only letters of the alphabet you know are K, F, and C.
Don't pick flat chests because they will turn their backs on you twice.
If an Indian kid is conceived in incest, would that make them OMbred?
What can you say to make a rape victim feel better?
"It will be over soon."
Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball?
Because no one misses them.
Why's it so hard to come out of the closet? Just open the door!
"How would you describe yourself in three words?"
"Lazy!"
I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.
what do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
a family photo.
Say what you will of pedophiles, but you can't ignore their problem with immature ejaculation.
A Chinese man moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a home on a small piece of land.
The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.
He goes next door, but on his way up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees him urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the neighbor leading a bull down the driveway and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The American dude can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "Jeez man, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I am doing, these are American Customs."
"What do you mean," says the neighbor, "Those aren't American customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bull-shit!"
what's another name for cumming inside of a woman?
loading the dishwasher.
Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"
Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."
Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"
So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."
A woman comes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I have cancer." The doctor checks it out. "It’s all in your head," the doctor says. "Phew," said the woman. "A bunch of tumors, all in your head."
Did you hear about the exciting new drug they developed for lesbians with depression? They call it: TRICOXAGIN.
Why would an orphan be a good Spider-Man?
Because his parents will be far from home.