Worst Jokes Ever
Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.
What's an emo's favorite Pink Floyd album?
The Final Cut.
What is a pig crossed with a pineapple?
A porkypine!
I like my wine how I like my women: 7 years old, and locked up in my basement.
When rejected:
That's ok, the 3 other little pigs said no, too.
A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.
The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."
What happened when your parents dropped you off at the orphanage? They got sued for littering.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away...
Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.... 🥵🤣
Where do fish keep their money?
In a riverbank!
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
My dad went out for milk. It's been 15 years and I still have to eat my cereal dry.
Emos do take shots of themselves... not with a camera, though.
I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba na na na.
A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
How do parents punish their blind kids?
They re-arrange the furniture.
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.
Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.