Worst Jokes Ever
A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.
One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."
Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."
Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"
All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"
The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."
My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he died.
What does the 'w' in Africa stand for? Water.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
Q: What's yellow and floats?
A: A bus full of children.
Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.
Ancestry.com is spelled with an “I” in Alabama.
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
Why can't college students take exams at the zoo?
Too many cheetahs!
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.
I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
Why did Johnny not like the audiobook he got for his birthday?
Johnny was deaf.
Why did the pedophile cross the road?
To get to the other preschool.
What's the difference between drugs and children? I don't sell drugs.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
Q: Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan?
A: Because there's a Target on every corner.