Worst Jokes Ever

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Yo mama is so fat, that when I unfollowed her on Instagram, my phone got 1 GB of storage.

What do depressed people and Apple's have in common?

They both hang from trees.

What bird doesn’t need a comb?

Bald eagles.

What do emos and the Twin Towers have in common? There were two, but now there are none.

What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?

The feather.

The rope stopped the kid.

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.

The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.

With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.

What's the difference between a feminist and Kim Jong Un?

Kim Jong Un has rights.

You walk into a McDonald's and you ask for some extra mayo, and they put too much on there.

I say I didn't order a "McCumshot."

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.

I remember waving at this guy in the street. The a**hole didn't wave back... Come to think of it, he was also swinging around a weird stick.

I don't have luck with other angels.

So I just WING IT!

I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.

A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.

A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.

Why do Indians have a red dot on their head?

Because they're recording.

I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.

Did you hear about the guy who got electrocuted?

It was quite a shocker.