Worst Jokes Ever
Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.
What’s the speed limit in bed?
It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Shrek thought he was ugly until he saw you.
What did the angel say when it went to heaven? Well, halo there!
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?
A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.
I met a rock the other day. He was a very gneiss guy.
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.
Like if you know someone is emo.
Joe mama so fat she went wearing high heels and came back in flip flops.
When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
If it's on the clock, it's old enough for the cock.
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.
All these jokes are plane wrong. My uncle died in 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.
Amber Heard's Morning Routine
Wake Up. Eat Breakfast. Take a Shit. Get Out of Bed.
When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:
Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.
There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.