Worst Jokes Ever

Have you heard of the Tic-Tac-Toe Beetle? It has an X-O-skeleton.

I went to the store and I saw a kid with fake airpods, and I was going to tell him, "Nice fake airpods," but it was his hearing aids.

An old man gets a call from the IRS.

The man on the phone says, “We’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly, and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office, and the man there says, ”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies, ”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, ”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says, ”Alright, last chance. I bet you 50,000 I can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible, so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agent’s desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “Haha! I got you now!” But the man's lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands, and says, “He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad. He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Why are feminists jealous of men?

Because men don't have to stand up to piss.

Yo mama so fat she broke the stairway to heaven...

Are you an orphanage?

Why?

Because I wanna put my kids in you.

I only remember my father's last words before he died. He said, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I told my sister I was into incest. She took it really hard. 😉😏

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple will wait until you're 12 years old to come on your face.

One day I was jogging through the park and I saw this lady sitting next to a pond in a wheelchair with no legs and arms and said "Why are you crying" she said she had never been hugged I gave her a hug and jogged away.The next day i saw her again and asked her the same question she said "I've never been kissed" I gave her a kiss and went, The third day i asked her thrice and she said I've never been fucked I picked her up from her wheelchair and throwed her in the pond and said your fucked now She didn't make it:)

Why was Stephen Hawking's wife mad at him?

She caught him having an affair with his shoulder.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.

Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!

Roses are red, violets are black. Why is your chest as flat as your back?

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Emo kids counting be like: 1, 2, 3 come hang with me! 4, 5, 6 Gonna get new slits! 7, 8, 9 Suicide! 10, 11, 12 Bring some pills!

I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.