Worst Jokes Ever

Teacher: At the end of this ruler is an idiot.

Student: Which end?

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

Rape is such an ugly word, I prefer the term "struggle snuggle."

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

Call me Willma, will my balls fit ya mouth?

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

I was walking by the gun shop earlier and saw everything was 40% off. I didn't know back to school sales were already starting.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo? Heads and Shoulders?

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom... Until they are flashing behind you!

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Christler.

When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:

Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

Dad: We are giving your toys to the orphanage.

Kid: Why?

Dad: So you won't get bored.

What do orphans call family pictures?

A selfie.

Why can't college students take exams at the zoo?

Too many cheetahs!

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.

My bitch as flat as her grannie's heartbeat.

What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?

Caregiver.