Worst Jokes Ever
My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.
You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself ;)
What did a cannibal have as his last meal?
Five guys.
Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.
These gags are killing me!
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
What happens at night in Bangladesh?
It gets Dhaka.
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
Why isn't a koala a bear? It doesn't have the koalafications.
I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."
Roses are red, potato chips are savory...
The United States prison system is legalized slavery.
Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.
I once had an emo friend doing a course for the marines. He made the cut.
I found this game, it's like flappy bird: https://terrorist.group/
I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.
My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."
What is a government mandate?
When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.