Worst Jokes Ever
I’ll never forget my father’s last words...
Oh fuck, it’s a bus!
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."
A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.
The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? -- He doesn't stand for anything.
What did the autistic kid order at a restaurant?
A disorder.
What do you call it when Panera Bread has bread?
Panera Bread.
Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
"Windows 10 shutting down."
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?
One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.
An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.
Why did the orphan go to church?
Because they need a father.
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
Why couldn't the astronaut put the helmet on his head?
Because he didn't have enough space.
Why did the Titanic cross the river to get to the bottom?
I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.
How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
Kid: "I fucked your mom."
Orphan: "What's a mom?"
What's a cannibal's favourite drink?
A Bloody Mary.