Worst Jokes Ever
Suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry.
What’s the difference between an orphan and a tomato?
The tomato gets picked.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
The depressed kid wanted a high-five from the tree, but it left him hangin'.
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.
Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
When the school shooter walks by the emo kid and doesn’t feel his gun anymore.
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
Putin's Brain:
I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.
The twin towers: No, it won't.
Why do orphans love having sex?
Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."
What does a rock and a girl have in common?
The flat ones get skipped.
I know 5 fat people, and your mama is 4 of them.
When Bob the Builder looks at your hairline, he says, "We can't fix that."
Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.
A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.
I got in trouble in school for leaving the depressed kid hanging.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Why do four polish heteroflexable men like to suck on four of the cow's udders? Because a bull has only one.