What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
At least one does something when it is triggered.
I started a band called 999 megabytes... we still haven't gotten a gig.
I called a suicidal hotline in Iraq and they asked me if I could drive a truck.
Man walks into a bar and sees a bear serving drinks... Sits down looking astonished. The bear says, "what's the matter you never saw a bear serving drinks?" The man says, "it's not that, I just never thought the moose would sell the place."
Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she replied with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...”.
Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said Sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You stupid f*****,” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is, and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed.
The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is, and he answered with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!”
As Sam arrived at the counselor’s office, she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You stupid f*****,” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Why can't blind people eat fish?
Because it's sea food.
You'd think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.
You know how in Pinocchio the French puppets have the thigh rings?
Well, I got them too! Only red and thinner.
You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.
What do you call a cow jumping over barbed wire? Utter destruction.
What do you call a swimming terrorist?
A bath bomb.
When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
Why did the feminist fail algebra?
She couldn’t solve inequalities.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
"Windows 10 shutting down."
What's the Twin Towers' favorite Minecraft biome?
A plains biome.
Why did Sally fall out of the swing?
She had no arms.
Why couldn’t she get up?
Because she had no friends.
