Worst Jokes Ever
I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
I got banned from the library for putting a book about woman's rights in the fantasy section.
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.
What’s the difference between criminals and orphans?
Only one is wanted.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.
A: Why are you so sad?
B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie.
So 6 is scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 10 have PTSD?
He was stuck in the middle of 9/11.
Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.
what do you call a lazy gay?
someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.
Q: Why was the tower of Pisa leaning?
A: Because it has better reflexes than the Twin Towers.
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No," said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough," his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself."
On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"
I'm dying to live forever!
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?
Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!
There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.
Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."
When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: "It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path." Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.