Worst Jokes Ever
Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals."
Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it."
Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."
What do food and dark humor have in common? Some people don’t get it.
Being gay sounds like a pain in the ass.
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”
St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.
The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.
Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."
A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"
The woman replies, "No, why?"
The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."
The British equivalent to 9/11 would be a big red bus crashing into Big Ben.
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other side.
Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don't have Father's or Mother's Day.
Fishermen are the best at networking.
Why do men give cold women their jackets?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because they can’t see their parents.
What do terrorists do on 9/11? They have a game of Jenga.
What's the best part of having sex on a golf course?
The hole experience.
One Erection would be a very nice name for a gay band.
What do you call an orphan when there 18?
Homeless.
what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?
you find the real one.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?
Apples get picked.
Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination".
I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.