Worst Jokes Ever
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?"
"No, ... hurdles."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To end his pain and suffering.
What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?
One was planned.
I finally know why my brain doesn't work!
On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.
What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?
Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.
It's not rape if you're both crying.
What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?
A stab wound.
The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!
What did Donald Trump serve Justin Trudeau at the state dinner?
Poutine in traditional Russian dressing!
Some people think incest jokes are funny.
I just think it's all relative.
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They donāt have Motherās Day or Fatherās Day.
Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.
Everyone else in the minefield...
I pushed the kid in a wheelchair into fire... I called him "HOT WHEELS".
Fun fact: Most of the black holes in the universe are found in Africa!
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just WAVED. Can you SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? Don't be a BEACH.
Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.
If you canāt find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?
The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.