Worst Jokes Ever
I make suicidal jokes because I am a suicidal joke. And now for my closing act at the end of the rope.
On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."
What did they give Elmo before he left the factory? Two test-tickles.
My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.
He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.
Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.
What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
What is one thing blind people and orphans have in common?
They both can't see their parents.
What do birds and planes have in common?
They both fly into building windows.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
Why did the lion always lose at poker?
He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs.
How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw a light bulb?
Oh wait, Michael Jackson only screws little boys, my bad.
Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?
So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.
My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She's got my sister's eyes.
How do you fit a baby into a shoebox?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
Tortilla chips.
Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.
Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-
Me: Lower lips.
Friend: I gotta go.
Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race.
What is the order of finish?
1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way.
2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind.
3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.