Worst Jokes Ever
I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.
What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.
Rainbows top the class, as they always score with flying colors.
Why did the skunk 🦨 sleep 💤 under a car?
Because he wanted to wake up oily.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
What does a priest and a wristwatch have in common? They both start at 12.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
Why is the rum gone?
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said,
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?
It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.
Do you like pudding? Pudding deez nuts in your mouth!
"When Republicans do politics, it's a crime. But when Democrats commit crimes, it's politics." ---Tyler Nixon
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
Artificial Intelligence.
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? One cuts them off and one sucks them off.
What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?
A Double Manhattan.
Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?
Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.
Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."
What do you call a private nun?
Nun-o-yo-business.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts to do it.