Worst Jokes Ever
If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.
Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!
He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!
Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"
He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.
The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.
"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"
"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."
The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"
"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."
Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."
You know how to get 10,000 followers? Run through Africa with a bottle of water.
I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her head? She answered the iron.
How'd she burn the other side? They called back.
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.
"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.
"Boxing?"
"No, ... hurdles."
What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer?
You can’t pull on her hair when you’re raping her.
Why did the dog join the marching band?
Because he had his trum-bone.
It's the season of giving, so I'll be giving up!
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
When a mute girl gives a hand job, is it oral?
Me: What did one toilet say to the other?
You: What?
Me: You look flushed!
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."
So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.
Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"
The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."
Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"
The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline.
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.
But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)