Random Jokes

What do you call a burning church?

Holy smokes.

Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"

Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"

Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"

What’s worse than nailing 10 babies to 1 tree?

Nailing 1 baby to 10 trees.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

How do you make rape funny? Tickle her while you do it.

Where did Johnny go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

There is a lot of difference between a man and a woman saying, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie."

Could a phone booth also be called a chatterbox?

What are the two hottest cities in the world? Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Why did the orphan commit suicide?

So he could find home.

Why do bunnies like Bruno Mars? Because he got 24 carrots.

Your hairline's so messed up that even Martin Luther King Jr. couldn't have a dream about it.

What game does an emo hate the most?

Cut the Rope.

I ran over some crippled kids. I told [them] to walk it off!

Why are there so many scars and cuts on your arm?

Because it's a battlefield.

Why can't a blind person eat fish?

They can't see food.

Your forehead is so big, your entire face is on your chin.

You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.