Worst Jokes Ever
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?
"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."
Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.
But he nailed that mountain.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
What's the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?
The washer doesn't take loads for free.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?
Your hairline is so far back, Paw Patrol couldn't finish their mission.
Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?
Because there were too many knights.
What's the difference between a dad and the Twin Towers? The Twin Towers went black and never came back, and the dad was black and just didn't come back.
What is Hitler's favorite game?
Nahtzee.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A ffsshh.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5
4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.
Like if you love food!
Jesus took bread and said, "This is my flesh!" Then he took wine and said, "This is my blood!" Then he took mayonnaise, and Peter said, "Holy shit, now we gotta stop him!"
What do you call a kid with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady, but he couldn’t stand up?
So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.
"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"
"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"
And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:
"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"
Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"
What did the suicidal leprechaun say?
"Irish I was dead."
Tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. I mean, there's a skele-ton of em! You gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. Now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. Besides, if ya don't know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. Did those tickle your funny bone? Now I've been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. Now if you hate all these, I won't be bothered, I got thick skin! But first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. Now, I gotta go to Grillby's. They got a discount on spare-ribs. Bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.