Worst Jokes Ever
Note to self.
When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".
Google "cream pie recipes".
I am a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
Q) What do you call Iron Man when he can't swim?
A) Robert Drowney Jr.
Go drop-kick an orphan. No one will know, not like his parents would know.
Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.
How do you start a rave?
Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.
How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
What do you call a pessimistic Mexican?
A Mexican't.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.
Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."
What's the hardest part of riding a scooter?
Telling your parents you are gay.
Why do Nazis not wear necklaces, rings, and bracelets? Because they hate jewelry.
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
Many soles were lost.
What do you call a selfie that is taken by an orphan?
Answer: A family photo.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."
Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."