I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.
If someone calls you dirty minded just say:
"You are dirty minded as well if you understand what I'm saying."
What do emos and apples have in common?
They both hang on trees.
I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.
(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts
Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.
What is an emo's least favorite game?
Cut the rope.
We can't go under it...
We can't go over it...
We have to go through it!
Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."
Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
I almost got caught watching porn. My mom got the bill for the account, but luckily dad had my back. I mean, we do use the same account.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
Osama Bin Laden is the best Angry Birds player of all time.
Finally, some social platform where you can talk about Muslims and not get bombed.
Obv, unless you share your residence.
What would Batman do if he wasn't rich?
He would be robin.
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human?
Ask Boeing.
Did you know the F in Orphan stands for family?
