Worst Jokes Ever
A depressed boy went to high five a tree, guess what the tree did?
The tree left him hanging.
What do you call it when a friend calms his suicidal friend? "Hang in there, buddy."
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.
One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.
"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"
Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."
"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."
"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."
"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."
"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.
"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."
"Okay daddy!"
*long pause*
"Okay daddy! I did it!"
"Great job Sally! What did she say?"
"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."
Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"
This is the real reason why the chicken crossed the road.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To visit his grandmother at KFC.
Why do Down's kids blend in in geometry?
Their foreheads are angled.
Who was purple and wanted to rule the world?
Alexander the Grape.
What did one piece of toilet paper say to the other? "I feel really wiped."
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.
what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?
you find the real one.
John: Hi, boss, it is raining heavily today, so I will not be coming.
Boss: You stated in your job application that swimming was your hobby, so see you at 11 AM.
What do you call someone smart and dead?
Stephen Hawking...
Why do I only date orphans?
Because they never have daddy issues.
What do you call a pineapple in a pun?
A Puneapple.
Two baby seals walk into a club.
What do you call a blind German?
A not see.
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie talkie? Stephen can't walkie and Stephen can't talkie.