Worst Jokes Ever
Why can't orphans play baseball?
because they'll never make it home.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"
I'm dying to live forever!
I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.
No pun in ten did.
My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha
Roses are red, I'm not a boaster.
Elon must've got rushed to the hospital after impregnating a toaster.
What do you call a camel stranded in the desert of Arabia?
A Shawarmano Cameldo!
How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.
The number 13? Not on my watch!
A depressed kid wanted to give me a high five.
I just left him hanging.
Did you know pigeons die after sex?
At least when I fucked it.
It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"
What's the difference between an ugly monster and you?
Nothing.
An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
The depressed kid went to give a tree a high five...
...but it left him hanging.
What is a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
Before the first period.
What's worse than ten babies on one tree? One baby on ten trees.
What do you call a virgin in Alabama? An orphan.
What's a Mexican's least favorite lesson in art? Drawing border lines.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"