Worst Jokes Ever
Why can't dwarfs be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.
Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
I groomed 2 minors today.
What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?
"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"
You're so fat, astronomers discovered a planet larger than Earth but smaller than Uranus.
I started a band called 999 megabytes... we still haven't gotten a gig.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
Q: What do you call it when four Mexicans drown in quicksand?
A: Cuatro Cinco.
Where do suicide bombers go?... Everywhere.
What is one thing blind people and orphans have in common?
They both can't see their parents.
Sometimes, stairs get me down.
Suicide is as easy as my ex-wife.
99% of women kiss with their eyes closed, that's why it's so hard to identify the rapist.
Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?
A. The Purge.
Orphans are really out here taking selfies.
Nah bro, that's a family photo.
Uh, six teachers are annoying. Thank God I am not getting picked on at school or on this website.
What's a skeleton's favorite food?
Spare ribs.
What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?
A Sandy Hooker
I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.
What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?
“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”