Worst Jokes Ever

When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters

'PNEIS'

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors.

Who do you think is the fastest reader? Incorrect. It's 9/11. It went through 100 stories in 2 seconds.

A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

Why do midgets work at Tesco?

Because every little helps.

What’s Bin Laden’s favorite drink? Double Manhattan.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.

Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"

The priest says, "Because I'm a father."

Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."

The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."

Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.

When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.

A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.

What do you call an emo kid with light up shoes?

A human chandelier.

Not totally a joke but... What do all these rape joke naysayers have in common with rapists? They are also forcing themselves on others.

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha-ching!

Ask Siri what rich North Koreans are there.

Siri: "I could not find anything for this question."

Teacher: What does a pig give you?

Little Johnny: Bacon.

Teacher: Good, what does the sheep give you?

Little Johnny: Wool.

Teacher: What does the fat cow give you?

Little Johnny: Homework and says "leave motherf*cker".

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

What do you call a group of brothers who fuck one another?

Super Smash Bros.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.