Worst Jokes Ever

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

Titanic - "Yo, look at that sexy babe of an iceberg, let's hit her!"

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from my mum scares me.

Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?

They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

What place can you always find suicidal cows at?

"McDonald's."

Why do orphans become hookers?

They can call someone daddy.

Sixty years ago, Stephen Hawking's teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams, kids. Reach for the stars.

What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

Their face when you nail them!

Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.

Dead people jokes are the best, they're ground breaking.

What do you call a swimming terrorist?

A bath bomb.

Teacher: Why did the skeleton know the weather outside?

Student: 'Cause he could feel it in his bones.

Teacher: No, he read the weather report, you fucking idiot.

When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.

If 2 + 2 is 4, and 4 + 4 is 8, then that must mean I can lick your pussy.

A black lady goes inside the drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you carry tampons?" Then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "Do you want the mini pads or the maxi pads?"

And then the black lady asks the pharmacist, "What is the difference?"

And then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "What is your flow like?"

And then the black lady tells the pharmacist, "Linoleum."

What is smegma name?

What does Michael Jackson like about 28 year olds? There's 20 of them!