Worst Jokes Ever

Person A: C'mon person B, just be happy, smile.

Person B: Over my dead body.

Person B: *gets the noose*

I searched up self harm jokes, clean, but I couldn't find any :[

When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the maternity ward was put on lockdown.

Someone asked me why I'm still here... the answer is simple: I don't want to be used as a school assembly.

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

What happened when your parents dropped you off at the orphanage? They got sued for littering.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

What do you get when you cross jokes and cum?

CUMedy.

Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.

I was sitting in math class, and our teacher doesn't like it if we don't work on math in his class. So, I did science homework on top of a math book.

"I will Always Love You!"

I still remember my grandpa's last words; "Is that loaded?"

Me: Have you ever tried African food?

You: No.

Me: They haven't either.

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

What instrument do a pair of sheep play? The two-baaaa.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

What did the panther say at the Poker Party? "I would be lion if I said I was a cheetah."

Today is the day of 9/11, and we were in class making jokes, and somebody said, "That's sad." I was like, "Why?" And they said, "Today is the day the towers went down." I said, "Just like I did on your mum last night."

What do you call a group of depressed kids?

Suicide squad.

I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.