Worst Jokes Ever
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They can't find home.
Little Johnny's sister, Suzy, sees her mom in the shower and asks, "What is that between your legs?" Her mom responds, "That is my garage." The next day, Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, "What is that between your legs?" Her dad answers, "It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy's garage." The next day, Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, "Why is there blood all over your hands, Suzy?" Suzy says, "Well... little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage, so I ripped its wheels off."
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
What's the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Why did the deer cross the road? Its friend deered it to!
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!
Student: "May I use the restroom, professor?"
Professor: "Oui oui."
Student: "No, professor, doo doo!"
What is it called when you hit your funny bone at night?
Dark humor.
What is an orphan's favorite game? Sims, so they can make a family to have.
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make a loud noise when thrown.
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
Kid. What is an orphan's favorite breakfast?
Teacher. What?
Kid. Fruity pebbles with water.
Teacher. Why water?
Kid. Cause his dad never came back with the milk.
Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.
Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.
But he nailed that mountain.
What is the difference between the Twin Towers and Elton John?
Elton John is still standing.