Worst Jokes Ever

Why can’t Jesus be born in West Virginia?

Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

Guy: "What's the bad news?"

Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."

Guy: "Good news?"

Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

One day, little Billy came in, pulling up his pants. The teacher asks, "Where have you been, Billy?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, little Willy came in. The teacher asked, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." Ten minutes later, little Johnny came in. The teacher says again, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, a girl came in. The teacher says, "Who are you?" She says, "I'm Beverly Hill."

Sex is basically math. You add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs to multiply inside.

I saw an orphan in the grocery store and asked him, "Where's your mom?" and he cried. Why?

I once fought with a man in a wheelchair.

He couldn't stand a chance.

What do you call it when a man is scared in Panera Bread?

Panera dread.

Two pedophiles talking to each other:

"Do you got two fives for one ten?"

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

Why do emos like yo-yo's? Cos they get strangled by the string.

Yo mama so fat, she got baptized at SeaWorld.

You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

When your sad don’t feel down about yourself break someone’s leg and laugh.

If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run"?

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

Why do ballerinas wear tutus?

The one-ones are too small and the three-threes are too big.