Worst Jokes Ever

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

I finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I purely drink for evil.

A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

What is Saturn's favorite movie?

Lord of the Rings.

The British equivalent to 9/11 would be a big red bus crashing into Big Ben.

I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.

What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A microtransaction.

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.

After a minute, a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.

The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.

Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

What do you call a group of chubby trans-genders?

Trans-fats.

So 6 is scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 10 have PTSD?

He was stuck in the middle of 9/11.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

Why was the orphan walking through the neighborhood? I don't know, either. It's not like he has a home to go to.

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss.

roses are red, unlike the rest, I'm the one who has your IP address.