Worst Jokes Ever
Your forehead is so big, Mastermind got jealous.
911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay.
He replied, "No." The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?" The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever." So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked. "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before." The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?" The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
When I get naked in the shower, it gets turned on.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.
My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.
I was about to say an African joke, but it was too dry.
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls.
Why don’t midgets fight? They walk away to be the bigger man.
How is being gay like a geology class? You can lick all the rocks you want.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? -- The tea bag stays longer in a cup.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.
Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
Because the pond was too shallow.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite planet? Uranus.
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
What do you call a cow eating grass?
A Lawn Moo-er.
What do you call a kid with Down syndrome on the beach?
A baked potato.