Worst Jokes Ever
What's a lesbian's favorite sport? Dodgeball.
Why are Trump's ties so long?
Because they go all the way to Russia.
What is Beethoven doing now?
Decomposing.
What's brown and rather bad for your dental health?
- A baseball bat.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
Why don't orphans go to the shops? Because when their mum leaves, she's never coming back.
Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher was probably a butcher. And then there was Mr. Dickinson...
If you're ever bored, try scaring the sh*t out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."
So we stopped playing chess.
Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.
"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.
"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"
Call of Duty kill cam be like.
This is the best kill streak ever!
When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf?
When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice...
Dark humor is like a cancer, it's funnier when a kid gets it.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six, you be the nine.
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.
"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."
The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."
The End
Why do dwarfs laugh when they run a race? Because the grass tickles their balls.