Worst Jokes Ever

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

What do you call an elf that sings? A Wrapper.

I downloaded Fruit Ninja so I can cut fruit instead of myself.

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Hillary Clinton

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Why do dwarfs laugh when they run a race? Because the grass tickles their balls.

What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?

A stab wound.

What was Hitler's lucky number?

Nein.

I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.

Confucius say, "man who go to sleep with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger."

I was walking by the gun shop earlier and saw everything was 40% off. I didn't know back to school sales were already starting.

Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?

Because he couldn't do standup.

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.

How do emos compliment each other?

They say, "I like your cuts g."