Worst Jokes Ever

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

What do milk and Make-A-Wish kids have in common? They both have expiration dates.

Do you think midgets start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?

What shampoo does Stephen Hawkings use?

Head & Shoulders.

Israel and Palestine jokes are hard at these times.

It’s all about execution.

Sex is basically math. You add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs to multiply inside.

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

I named my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

Some say Stephen Hawking was a genius, but I never heard him say anything intelligent.

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

Today, I spotted Johnny Depp on the clearance rack at Kmart. Kmart is currently trying to clear its inventory of wife-beaters.

A boy and his mother survived a car crash.

The boy asks his mother, "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."

Have you heard of the Tic-Tac-Toe Beetle? It has an X-O-skeleton.

*on a date*

me - "I get to work with animals all day."

her - "How sweet! What do you do?"

me - "I'm a butcher."

What noise does Stephen Hawking make when he dies? Windows shutting down theme tune.

How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.