Worst Jokes Ever

Ya know, Kobe made a real impact on the earth!

Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.

A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

“I still don't get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!"

What show does an orphan hate?

Family Guy.

Guys, we shouldn't make jokes about 9/11. My dad was a victim.

He was the best pilot in Arab.

What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?

When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)

I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.

He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."

What’s black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.

A duck walks into a bar. The duck says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No." Then the duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "NO!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No, and if you say that one more time I will nail your bill to this bar!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any nails?" The bartender says, "No." The duck says, "Well then, bartender, got any bread?"

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

Stormtrooper: What should we do about the failed plan?

Palpatine: Screw it.

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby I have in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

My uncle and I have somewhat of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.

What's the same with shoes and slaves?

When they get loose, you tie them up.

Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and an erection? I don't have a Lamborghini.