Worst Jokes Ever
Me: I named my dog Five Miles so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.
Old man: I ran over five miles today.
My friend made this joke (so I’m going steal it). I’m surrounded by fat people, oh wait... it’s just one.
You know what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.
What's the difference between puppies and orphans?
The puppies actually get adopted.
I hate it when disabled people get bullied...
... because they can't stand up for themselves.
What's worse than five dead babies in one garbage can?
- One dead baby in five garbage cans.
When you have a bladder infection,
You're in trouble. 😜
I didn't like having long nails, but they're growing on me.
What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.
What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?
Their face when you nail them!
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
Then I was even sadder, because that lucky guy didn't even *need* shoes!
What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek? "Together we can stop this shit!"
A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."
What do five dicks sticking out of glory holes and five udders both have in common? They are ready for milking.
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.
Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.
Why do dwarfs laugh when they run a race? Because the grass tickles their balls.
Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they're the ones who made the toys.
The twin towers were basically Angry Birds but in real life.