Worst Jokes Ever

Yo mama so dumb, when the bartender said "beer is on the house" she grabbed a ladder.

Why was ten scared?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

what do you call it when you get married in Panera Bread?

Panera Wed.

Where do you buy a dishwasher?

Hot singles in your area.

What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.

Yo mama is so fat that when she walks, she causes earthquakes. She is so big that she has her own zip code and gravity field. She is so heavy that she needs a crane to get out of bed. She is so obese that she can't fit in any clothes, except for a circus tent. She is so large that she blocks the sun and causes eclipses.

Yo mama is so fat, she has her own personal gravity.

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.

If a heterosexual man wanted his dick sucked, what would a feminist say to him that a gay man would never say to him?

"Not now, I have a headache."

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

Jared from Subway. Remember kids, "tuna sub" backwards is what I'm going to do on your face.

How can you surprise someone who is blind?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

If you were a food, what would you be?

Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."

Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."

Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.