Worst Jokes Ever

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.

What happens when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?

There are only 2 genders: if you have a dick, or a pussy.

One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"

What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?

I wanna sock you in the eye so bad!

You know what’s impossible?

Steven Walking.

What do you call a woman who says she can do anything a man can do?

Wrong.

Why are Japanese people's eyes so squinted?

Do you know how bright an atomic bomb is?

Why did Paul Walker cross the street?

Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.

But he nailed that mountain.

I have a lot of respect for trans women.

That surgery takes balls!

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?

Nothing... They both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.

What do you call a disabled Arab?

Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2).

What did the skeleton say to the other? "Wow, that song, 'Spooky Scary Skeletons,' really does send chills down my spine!"

My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."

So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.

I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).

Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?

Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.

I'm so gay I could barely think straight.