Worst Jokes Ever
The three unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
What do you call terrible milk?
Udder Bullshit.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
Dad: "Yes, we arson."
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.
He said it was the most violent book he ever read.
Alright, riddle me this: I am loud and obnoxious, I like music that rhymes. I'm a fraction of the population, but commit half the crimes! What am I?
What makes a joke a dad joke?
I don't know. I don't even have one as an example.
What's black on top and white on the bottom?
rape.
Once I went to watch a match in Portugal. It was between Penaldo and his kids. The referee was Georgiana (his wife). Mpaypal and Igayspeed were also there. The match began, and his kids scored two goals in the first 10 minutes. Then, when the match was about to end, Penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties. His wife declined, and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them) but won 3-2. Shame on you, Penaldo! 😡😡😡
Yo hairline is so crooked it makes your gay best friend look straight.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
Why do Republican men hate transgender people?
Because they lost a dick-measuring contest to a ladyboy in Thailand!
How is Stephen Hawking so smart? He uploads it to his software.
Where did JFK go in his car? I am not sure of his intentional destination, but he did go everywhere.
I feel bad for the guy in 9/11 who ordered a salami pizza. Instead, he just got a plane.
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? - Everywhere.
The thing I don't like about shopping centers...
When you see one, you've seen a mall.
There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.