Worst Jokes Ever
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Because they don't have Mother's and Father's day.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
The Windows XP log out sound.
what did the pedophile say to the kid?
"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."
Guys, we need to stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents might get upset. Oh, wait... never mind.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza. They got plane.
I love vegans because they save more meat for us.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Why do orphans wanna be a criminal?
So that they can be wanted.
moo.
What do you call two gay Irishmen?
Patrick Fitz Gerald, and Gerald Fitz Patrick.
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.
What’s the difference between a suicide bomber and a feminist? A suicide bomber actually does something when triggered.
Some people can juggle chainsaws. Chuck Norris can juggle people juggling chainsaws.
I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite childhood song? "The wheels on the chair go round and round....."
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso espresso.
My favorite joke is my life.
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.