What is a cannibal's favorite place to eat?
Five Guys.
Why do Asians have squinty eyes?
Because atomic bombs are pretty damn bright.
Helen Keller walked into a bar.
Then a table.
Then a chair.
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."
A child asks his teacher to go to the toilet.
"Before you go, recite the alphabet," the teacher says.
"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"
"Good, but where's the p?"
"Running down my leg."
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
What’s a peedophile’s favorite shoes? White vans.
Today I was asked to go out by 17 women. Well, I was in the women's bathroom. 💀
What is the only warm organ in a dead woman?
My dick!
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!
I had a friend who was a dwarf. He committed suicide. He jumped off a curb.
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
The reason that girls are not allowed in boys' treehouses is because girls can't keep their mouths shut about boys taking turns sucking each other's hotdogs.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?
I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of 3? Cause the sign says "No Trespassing."
Yo mama so ugly!
The mime broke his 30 year streak of silence!!!!
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.
Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
