Worst Jokes Ever
I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.
What do you call a redneck on fire?
A fire cracker.
What's worse than ants in your pants? Michael Jackson.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
My friend: "Yo, stupid."
Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"
My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."
Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."
What does an Al Qaeda terrorist and a flexible man have in common?
They can blow themselves up.
What part of a vegetable can you not eat?
The wheelchair.
Why don't North Koreans like jazz music?
Because they don't have soul.
For all the people with Covid-19, I just want to say... Stay positive.
what do you call a lazy gay?
someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.
Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?
I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."
Did you hear about the person who invented the door knocker?
He won a no-bell prize.
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Why can't you kill a depressed person?
Because they are already dead inside.
What concert costs 45 cents? -- 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."