Worst Jokes Ever

What do incest families do on Halloween?

Pumpkin.

All my jokes are cries for help.

INCLUDING THIS ONE.

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestler's legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip.”

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip.”

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?”

With heavy breath, John told him, “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.”

“What???” Said the coach... “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified.”

“I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls.”

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.

Covid said to stay 6 feet... I didn't think Kobe meant it literally.

Why do people like dating us emo girls? Because of the texture on our thighs.

What is it called when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.

Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.

Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?

Dave: No.

Jason: Well, he hit his first target.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named him Sum Ting Wong.

How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

What’s the difference between a gay rooster and a straight rooster?

A straight rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-do!"

A gay rooster says, "Any cock will do!"

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

A receptionist at the Twin Towers orders two pepperoni pizzas. She was upset when she got two planes.