Worst Jokes Ever
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
Q: How are Asians like a box of chocolates?
A: Either way they'll kill your dog.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
Roses are red, violets are black, I traded my son for 10 Big Macs.
What do you call a homeless Hitler?
A roofless dictator.
I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.
What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?
A family photo.
What did the condom say when he came out of a gay guy's asshole?
He said, "Fuck this shit!"
What do an orphan's parents have in common with Nemo? They all can't be found.
It’s ok to yell “Kobe” after missing a shot, he didn’t make it either.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
What's the hardest part when making skimmed milk?
Throwing the cow across the lake.
What do bees brush their hair with?
A honeycomb.
Why can't Hitler join track?
Because he can't even finish a race.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
What's worse than a baby in a trash can?
A trash can in a baby.
How do you get an emo out of a tree? You cut the rope.
I wrote down a speech at home yesterday.
When I got to school, I was speechless.
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."