Worst Jokes Ever
What's the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?
One has a home.
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.
Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
What do you call a hot tub full of special ed students?
Vegetable Soup.
What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).
"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"
What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween?
Free delivery.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
Bro, tampons look like sperms, and they go up your coochie.
What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society.
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
Many soles were lost.
Don't worry about missing a shot after yelling "Kobe". He didn't make it either.
I got sent to the principal's office for lighting the kid in the wheelchair on fire and calling him hot wheels.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
What is the biggest joke ever? Trump.
Why did the emo kid hate the nun? (Cuz nun of them were emo.)
When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?
"One, he killed himself."
What has more letters than the alphabet? -- The post office.
Q. What do you call a person with Alzheimer's?
It doesn't matter. They'll forget what you said in thirty seconds anyway.
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.