Worst Jokes Ever

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

People are making end of the world jokes, like there's no tomorrow.

I can see Uranus from here, and it's mighty gassy!

Do trees shit?

Well, how else would we get #2 pencils?

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.

Why are orphans bad at poker?

They don't know what a full house is.

I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"

Violence against women is funny :)

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.

The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

What did the pillow say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet!

Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?

First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:

"The canons be ready, Captain!"

"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.

What is the difference between a feminist and a female prostitute? If you want a female prostitute to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

What's the quickest way to get money besides winning the lottery?

Leaving your son with Michael Jackson.

What do you call someone smart and dead?

Stephen Hawking...