Worst Jokes Ever
Pick a number, syckkkkkkk, that’s the wrong number.
What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?
When you have a gun in your hand.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
A Chinese man moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a home on a small piece of land.
The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.
He goes next door, but on his way up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees him urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the neighbor leading a bull down the driveway and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The American dude can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "Jeez man, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I am doing, these are American Customs."
"What do you mean," says the neighbor, "Those aren't American customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bull-shit!"
Slapped cheese on my white friend, told him I like cheese on my crackers.
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
What do painters and prostitutes have in common?
They're both paid for a good finish.
You walk into a McDonald's and you ask for some extra mayo, and they put too much on there.
I say I didn't order a "McCumshot."
Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A. A seatbelt.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
Q: What did the cannibal shout when his friend fell on the floor?
A: "FIVE SECOND RULE!"
My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
My mom told me that drugs are my enemies... But Jesus said to love my enemies.
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.