Worst Jokes Ever
What is the Harry Potter spell that aborts babies?
Fetus Deletus!
An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.
If Hitler had a cooking channel: Step one... Turn on the gas.
When was the first Black Friday?
1619.
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Once I'm done choking you,
You will be too.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor tried to put her back in.
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, "WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!" A man in the back responds, "YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!"
Why did Beyoncé say, "to the left, to the left"?
Because women don't have rights.
You are what happens when women drink during pregnancy.
Suicide gives you security for the future.
Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.
Stephen Hawking would be a bad Pokemon.
He'd always be paralyzed, and his only move would be tackle!
When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...
When you realize you have depression, and depression realizes how stupid you were.
You're so skinny, you could travel through a fax!
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.
I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.