Worst Jokes Ever

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.

What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?

“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.

Are you suicide, 'cause you're always on my mind?

Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag? One is plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other is a carrier bag.

Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.

American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"

Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

Call of Duty kill cam be like.

This is the best kill streak ever!

What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."