Still jokes

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.

A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."

While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

Rizz,

Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.

Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.

You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

I still remember my grandpa's last words; "Is that loaded?"

How to know if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is still trash, but the dishes really start to pile up.

How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 cause my basement is still dark.

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

What’s the difference between people and chocolate? I can still buy dark chocolate.

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

Did you know the Titanic swimming pool is still full?

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.