Still jokes

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.

I went home one day. My mom said, "Look what a few guys got me." It was a MILF trophy.

My mom asked what does that mean. So I said, "Mom's I'd Like To Fuck." Then my mom said, "These guys want to fuck me?" I said, "Yeah." Then my mom said, "I still got it!"

I want to be a pornstar. Even if I completely suck, they will still give me a firm raise.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Less depresso, more espresso, I'm still depressed, but now I'm fast.

All this Little Shop of Horrors merchandise and I still want to see more.

"Prince, be honest, do you still love me?"

Hey, wanna hear a construction joke?

- Sure.

Oh sorry, I'm still working on it :-]

All these Avengers and you're still marvellous.

You're so boring that you make war veterans die quicker, and yet they're still on life support.

I'm shidding. Still babies are still coming and going.

TJ's hairline so far back you still couldn't find it when the Devil was alive.

What type of people have the world record for most stories read in the shortest amount of time?

Emos, some of them are still in the air.

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?

The emo girl still bleeds.

When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

Hey Evan, this is Dad. Ya, I’m still not home.