A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies "Nine"
When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.
She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. Thats the third one this week and its only monday
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave.
Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work.
Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.
My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying "b positive b positive" but its hard to be positive with him gone
I went for my routine check up last week and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?
What's the difference between a good TV show and a gay man?
One makes your day and one make your whole week.
I have a the best life coach ever, because he taught to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.
Recently I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker down town in Manhattan, New York thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
I have an exam next week so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips
Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a monday and didn't end til' sunday
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying , Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died and two weeks later Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next.
Sunday Monday Tuesday What The Fuck Saturday
If you run next to a car you get TIRED, but if you run behind it you get EXHAUSTED
Ill be here all week.... sadly enough for you.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
I got a roommate, he killed a butterfly and I said no butter for a week, the next day he killed a cockroach. Son of a bitch nice try
