I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I’m sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies “Nine”

I have a the best life coach ever, because he taught to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that’s not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: “Homework!”

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying , Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died and two weeks later Bob woke up to Brad’s voice. Brad said I’ve got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you’re up to bat next.

My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying “b positive b positive” but its hard to be positive with him gone

What’s red and in a corner ? A baby with a razor blade What’s green and in a corner ? The same baby three weeks later

I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. – I didn’t want to interrupt her.

What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast? “Here’s the beef of the week!”

I tried to find my watch I lost last week but I didn’t have the time

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read

Why is Sunday better than Monday?

Because Monday is a weak day.

What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, ¨Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!¨ After that he joined the Army and learned to say, ¨Yes sir!¨ After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, ¨Forks and knives, forks and knives!¨ After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, ¨Goody-goody gumdrops!¨ A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows: Policeman: Who killed the man? Foreign man: Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! Policeman: Did you kill the man? Foreign man: Yes sir! Policeman: What did you use to kill him: Foreign man: Forks and knives, forks and knives! Policeman: You´re under arrest. Foreign man: Goody-goody gumdrops!

Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than a school shooting. Cause a royal wedding doesn’t happen once a week.

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