My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying “b positive b positive” but its hard to be positive with him gone
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”
A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I’m sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies “Nine”
We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!
What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that’s not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Most people say I’m a clown. Yet they don’t laugh at my jokes. Most people avoid me, because I’m a “clown”. Yet I’m not the center of the circus. But I know I’m gonna be a clown forever. Because I can’t take this damn mask off, no matter how hard I try.
Weeks later: Finally I found out why I’m being called a clown…because my smiling face is fake…
What’s red and in a corner ? A baby with a razor blade What’s green and in a corner ? The same baby three weeks later
A 10y.o. : I don’t want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn’t think I’m happy 24/7. A 10y.o. week later: Damn… my life is shitty…
<2y. later> 12y.o. : What is de-pre-ssion? googles it
Now 14y.o. : Oh…
“I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.”
A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, ¨Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!¨ After that he joined the Army and learned to say, ¨Yes sir!¨ After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, ¨Forks and knives, forks and knives!¨ After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, ¨Goody-goody gumdrops!¨ A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows: Policeman: Who killed the man? Foreign man: Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! Policeman: Did you kill the man? Foreign man: Yes sir! Policeman: What did you use to kill him: Foreign man: Forks and knives, forks and knives! Policeman: You´re under arrest. Foreign man: Goody-goody gumdrops!
i told my friend to watch naruto, it’s been a week since i’ve seen him. Hope he comes back in one piece
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying , Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died and two weeks later Bob woke up to Brad’s voice. Brad said I’ve got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you’re up to bat next.
So a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: “I’m sorry, you only have ten left.” The other man smiles nervously and asks, “T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him. “Nine.”
I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. – I didn’t want to interrupt her.
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, “her life.”
Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week… Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other.