Short jokes

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

Where did the sheep get a haircut?

At the baa-baa shop.

What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?

America's funniest home videos.

You: "Captain, where is this plane going?"

Captain: "New York, 175 Greenwich Street."

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.

Are you an orphanage?

Why?

Because I wanna put my kids in you.

After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.

What happens when you make an asían girl squirt?

She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce.

"Just say no to drugs!"

Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

I named my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

I can't find out where Stephen Hawking is from, I just can't place his accent.

If mistakes make people human, then your parents must have been alligators before you were born.

What do you call a skeleton who went out in the snow? A numb skull!

What do skeletons hate the most about wind?

Nothing, it goes right through them.

Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.

So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.

He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.

Imagine if this got over 69 likes! Wow! 🤩 🇫🇷

Son: Dad, do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Ohhh yeah, I do!

Son: How did it taste?

Dad: Get out.

Why are white teenagers the best for the army? They are good at shooting things up.

A cop pulled me over and shouted, "Papers!" I shouted, "Scissors!" and drove off.