I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.
I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.
I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"
Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."
Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."
Does anyone still look at this? If you do, tell me if I should make more jokes :)
What's an orphan's favorite movie?
"Home Alone."
Guys, we should stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents will get mad. Oh.... Wait... Continue.
What show does an orphan hate?
Family Guy.
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel, so I quickly turned the TV to a fishing channel. On her way out, she said: "You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"
Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."
How to fall down stairs.
Step 1. Step 2. Step 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Dark jokes are like water; some people just don't get it.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Sorry for all the jokes, I'll end it.
