Stand Up Jokes

- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.

- How did the gay person die? Homicide.

- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.

- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.

- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.

- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.

After a minute, a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.

The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Why are feminists jealous of men?

Because men don't have to stand up to piss.

Why can't disabled people make jokes?

Well, it's called Stand-Up comedy, isn't it?

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

It’s sad because with all these mean jokes Stephen hawkings can’t even Stand up for himself

This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.

Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand-up.

I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.

What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.

If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?