Short jokes
I’m not into watching sunsets, but I’d love to see you go down.
What do depressed people use for emotions online?
They use EMOjis.
A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.
What does a lesbian bring on the second date?
A U-Haul.
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person.
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
I'd tell a necrophilia joke, but they've been done to death.
Q: What is a lesbian's version of a cock block?
A: A beaver dam.
I always enjoy family reunions.
It's always a good time meeting up with my exes.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.
I'm not looking for consent, I'm looking for cooperation!
Where did the sheep get a haircut?
At the baa-baa shop.
What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?
One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.
What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?
America's funniest home videos.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
I can't find out where Stephen Hawking is from, I just can't place his accent.
Are you an orphanage?
Why?
Because I wanna put my kids in you.
You: "Captain, where is this plane going?"
Captain: "New York, 175 Greenwich Street."
What happens when you make an asían girl squirt?
She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce.
"Just say no to drugs!"
Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.