Short jokes
What goes up but never comes down?
Water in Australia.
Your mum isn't home.
What do you call a train that stalls?
The little engine that couldn't!
I tried to calculate 3/(my life), and I kept getting zero.
He placed the chocolates and the flowers down beside her.
Silence...
And then at last she spoke...
"Unexpected item in the bagging area."
Why does a cow love music?
Because it can play a moo-sical instrument.
A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"
When you want to see and smell your ex for the last time, look at a ugly dog, and smell the garbage.
I have some words that might make sense to girls, but maybe not to boys, ready?
smart
kind
sweet
caring
loving
mature
My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.
He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"
If you are a banana, why don't you eat a banana?
Oh right, you'd be a cannibal. I mean a banan-i-ball.
What’s an orphan's favorite game?
Catch.
Why didn't the orange go to the doctor?
Because he had vitamin C.
Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make my butt look fat? 💩
Why am I idiot?
When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."
Stephen Hawking died crossing the road. He was hit by a Universal Serial Bus.
Person 1: Hey, did you hear about the circus fire?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: It was in-tents.
You know the difference between happy tailgaters and angry tailgaters?
Happy tailgaters know how to throw a party.
Myles Parfitt ;/