My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…
Where the f*ck is my roof?
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don’t know what a full house is.
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn’t all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: no one stands up Teacher: Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterwords he’s sitting the the doctor’s office and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.” The man replies, “well, at least I don’t have cancer.”
What’s brown and rather bad for your dental health? -A baseball bat
I donated 100dollars to a blind children’s charity, to bad they won’t ever see a dime of it
Guy 1:"Tell me a bad pun" Guy 2: "Alright What’s the difference between a tuna fish, a piano and a tube of glue" Guy 1: "Ok that last one was random as heck what is the difference" Guy 2: " you can tuna a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna" Guy 1: "Ok where does the glue come in" Guy 2: “Ah i knew you’d get stuck on that”
you might be
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
roses are dead, violets are dead, I am a bad gardener.
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
What do you call an asian kid who’s bad at math?
What’s red and bad for your teeth? – A brick.
One time this kid came back from school and said “Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?” And his mom said "Good news please.’’ and the boy said “I got 100% on my math test today” and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said “Now to the bad news, I LIED”
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? – He doesn’t stand for anything.
I tried to catch the fog, but I mist
I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun… Then it dawned on me