Bad jokes

Stephen Hawking is such a bad role model for our kids.

He only ever looks one way when crossing the street.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

What do you need in order to crash a train?

A bad track record.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

Now, how about that drink?

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.

Is it bad to hit an orphan?

It's not like they'll tell their parents.

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.

You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.

I donated 100 dollars to a blind children’s charity. Too bad they won’t ever see a dime of it.

Wanna hear a joke?

Feminism.

Is Google a girl or a boy?

Obviously a girl, because it won't let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.

There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.

One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:

Police: "What’s you name?"

Shut Up: "Shut Up."

Police: "Where's your manners?!"

Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."