My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
Stephen Hawking is such a bad role model for our kids.
He only ever looks one way when crossing the street.
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
I donated 100 dollars to a blind children’s charity. Too bad they won’t ever see a dime of it.
Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
Is Google a girl or a boy?
Obviously a girl, because it won't let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.
What do you call an asian kid who's bad at math?
An orphan.
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.
Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."
Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"
Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"
Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."
Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"
Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
