Safety jokes
Why are planes the most dangerous killers?
Because they killed 2,996 people in 10-25 minutes.
What does a school bus crash and a train crash have in common?
They always line up.
What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.
What do you do to a pregnant lady on a step?
Push 'em.
I will remember my brother's last words: if you can't put a fork in a toaster, how about a spoon?
Memes
I remember locking my door, but then I went downstairs to hear someone say, "I'm inside your home." I said, "GTFO my house, BICH!"
How do you stop a school shooter from killing you?
Tell him you don’t believe in dog.
I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.
Wait, there aren't any road bumps.
O h s h i t.
Why do I love a block? Because I can fall off the stairs.
Stop sign: If you speed, I'll call your parents.
Orphans: Going 180.
Why are orphans afraid of your orphanage?
Because I burnt it down!
For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.
A twin engine has two engines.
If one engine stops, the other will have just enough power to get the plane to the scene of the accident.
"Why don't skeletons go skydiving?"
"Because they don't have the guts... or the parachute!"
Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?
Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.
Why did the parachute refuse to open?
Because it had a "fatal attraction" to the ground.
Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.
Why do midgets have to wear a green bright jacket when crossing the road?
Because they will get turned into a pancake even more.
It's not funny, I know.
What's red, takes my belt, and what I got from a weird children's house?
An orphan.
Why did two red heads fall off the plane? Because they were so damn blind.