Safety jokes

How do you stop a school shooter from killing you?

Tell him you don’t believe in dog.

I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.

Your mama is so fat, when she farted, the world had to wear gas masks.

What do you do to a pregnant lady on a step?

Push 'em.

I will remember my brother's last words: if you can't put a fork in a toaster, how about a spoon?

What does a school bus crash and a train crash have in common?

They always line up.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.

Why can't orphans go on vacation?

The last time they did, they fell in the toilet and had no one to help them out. Ugh!

A twin engine has two engines.

If one engine stops, the other will have just enough power to get the plane to the scene of the accident.

For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.

Hey guys, I have a question.

Doesn't everyone's parents tell them don't take candy from strangers? Then what is Halloween?

What is red and puts out fire?

"Why don't skeletons go skydiving?"

"Because they don't have the guts... or the parachute!"

Why did the parachute refuse to open?

Because it had a "fatal attraction" to the ground.

If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.

Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?

Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.

Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.

Why do midgets have to wear a green bright jacket when crossing the road?

Because they will get turned into a pancake even more.

It's not funny, I know.

What's red, takes my belt, and what I got from a weird children's house?

An orphan.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said,

"Why the heck were my children jumping on a bed?"