Safety jokes

For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.

What is red and puts out fire?

What does a school bus crash and a train crash have in common?

They always line up.

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.

What do you do to a pregnant lady on a step?

Push 'em.

I will remember my brother's last words: if you can't put a fork in a toaster, how about a spoon?

What is the biggest fear of firefighters?

Burnout at work.

Why are planes the most dangerous killers?

Because they killed 2,996 people in 10-25 minutes.

Your mama is so fat, when she farted, the world had to wear gas masks.

I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.

Hey guys, I have a question.

Doesn't everyone's parents tell them don't take candy from strangers? Then what is Halloween?

Why can't you run with a pencil in the hallway? Because too many people got killed!

Stop sign: If you speed, I'll call your parents.

Orphans: Going 180.

I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.

Wait, there aren't any road bumps.

O h s h i t.

I remember locking my door, but then I went downstairs to hear someone say, "I'm inside your home." I said, "GTFO my house, BICH!"

How do you stop a school shooter from killing you?

Tell him you don’t believe in dog.

Why are orphans afraid of your orphanage?

Because I burnt it down!

Why do I love a block? Because I can fall off the stairs.

Why can't orphans go on vacation?

The last time they did, they fell in the toilet and had no one to help them out. Ugh!

If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.