I will remember my brother's last words: if you can't put a fork in a toaster, how about a spoon?
Safety Jokes
What is the biggest fear of firefighters?
Burnout at work.
What does a school bus crash and a train crash have in common?
They always line up.
What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.
A twin engine has two engines.
If one engine stops, the other will have just enough power to get the plane to the scene of the accident.
For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.
Why did the parachute refuse to open?
Because it had a "fatal attraction" to the ground.
"Why don't skeletons go skydiving?"
"Because they don't have the guts... or the parachute!"
Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?
Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.
What is red and puts out fire?
If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.
Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.
Why do midgets have to wear a green bright jacket when crossing the road?
Because they will get turned into a pancake even more.
It's not funny, I know.
What's red, takes my belt, and what I got from a weird children's house?
An orphan.
Why did two red heads fall off the plane? Because they were so damn blind.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said,
"Why the heck were my children jumping on a bed?"
What happened to the dog that crossed the road?
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Coming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry? - Adam?
- Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!
Person: "Sorry to bother you, but what's the quickest way to get to the hospital?"
Stranger: "Oh, just go stand in the middle of the road!"
A boy asked his dad for some money to buy an ice cream with, so he went to an ice cream van. Whilst he was in the queue, two boys asked him what flavor he was getting. He told them "strawberry." The two boys were shocked and beat him up. The ice cream man felt bad and gave him his strawberry ice cream for free.
When he got home, his dad also asked what flavor he bought. The boy said "strawberry." His dad then kicked him out of the house. The boy, confused, walked down the street and was stopped by the police, who were looking for a boy who had been eating strawberry ice cream. The boy said, "That's me," and the policeman arrested him.
A week later in court, the boy was on trial. The judge asked, "Can you tell me what were you doing on the fifth of May?" (the day he was arrested) The boy said, "I was eating ice cream." The judge decided he was innocent. On the way out, the judge asked him what the flavor was (he had forgotten to ask during the trial). Of course, he answered with "strawberry." The judge, horrified, realized he had given the wrong verdict and the boy should have been executed. Unfortunately, he couldn't change what had happened, so the boy walked out and crossed the road but was hit by a car and died.
The moral of the story is look left and right before crossing the road.
