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“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their p.... through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his p.... through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way the first lady she was obsessed with her looks so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish the next person didn’t know what to wish for so they wish for the same thing the guy in the very back was laughing having a grand old time then god got to the person before the last he aaid the same he wished to be beautiful when God got to the last person he said I want them all to be ugly again.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, what’s so sad and she said “What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died”. I replied “probably a bullet”, she gasped and said “do you have any idea how insensitive that is, what do you think is running through their parent’s heads”, I said " probably all the money their losing from this funeral".

What’s a cannibal’s favorite dessert?

Lady fingers.

A german soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, “What happened?” and the soldier replies, “Hail hit her.” (say the joke aloud and it will make more sense)

How do you wake up lady gaga? Poker Face.

Man: I got fired from my job at the calander factory. Lady: What did you do? Man: I took a day of…

Dad: “Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?”

Son: “Nah, mostly men.”

Dad: “Do you think you’d be comfortable telling that to a judge in court…”

Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner." The first lady says, “2 years, 2 side-hoes.” She got an old lexus. The second lady says, “10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute.” She got a Mercedes-Benz. The third lady says, "I never had a husband." The angel says in response, “Fck me and then you can have a lambo." They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying. The first lady says, “I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse.” “How!?” The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a dck!”

The lunch lady gave me only one carrot. I didn’t carrort-all.

Am I the only one who gives people in the neighborhood names they don’t know they have? Like “Blue truck dude”, “Loud dog guy”, “Nice old lady with the rose bushes”, “That slut across the street”,

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock? – She started her period.

All school meetings introductions:

Grade School; “Welcome Girls and Boys!”

Middle School; “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome!”

High School; “Fingerers and fingerees,”

Wher did the one legged lady work ?

IHOP

What did the blind man say when he walked by the fish store? “Hello Ladies!”

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

There as soon as changed into an undergo and a rabbit and that they hated every other. The undergo and rabbit then stumbled upon a mystical talking tree. The tree stated: “i can provide you 3 wishes a bit if you will prevent combating!”So the bear went first. “I want all the bears inside the forest are ladies.” And all the bears within the forest become females.The rabbit stated: “I want I had a helmet.” Rabbit receives the helmet and the bear looks at him funny.The bear wishes: “I desire all the bears in the United States are ladies.” The desire became granted.The rabbit says, “I desire i’ve a bike.” by this factor the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest aspect he’s ever seen. The rabbit could want for cash and have all the bikes in the world.The endure says: “I want all the bears inside the world are woman.” The want is granted.while it’s the rabbit’s flip to wish, he places on his helmet, receives on his bike, and says: “I desire that endure is homosexual.” Funniesjokes.com