Safety jokes

A kid and a man are walking into a forest at night.

Kid: "Mr., it's getting dark. I'm scared!"

Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and then you remember there are no speed bumps.

"Zre, um, be careful when using a gun, okay? And meh not fat, boy."

So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!

Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?

Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?

He was told to high-jack it.

"kys" (keep yourself safe).

Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?

More cops died from COVID than anything else last year, hahahaha.

They should have shot COVID instead of Tyrone on the microphone, lmfao.

Why are school shootings branded “very American”?

1. They usually happen in the USA.

2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

Driving on a road at night and hit a speed bump. Remember, there are no speed bumps... I hit Bambi!

What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?

A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.

How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?

I have fun going on them roller coasters that go really high up and sitting by random people, and once we get to the high point, I look at the stranger and go "wham" and unplug their seat belt.

I was looking forward to some toast...

So I took the toaster in the bath with me.

What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?

My last if she knows what's good for her.

A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.

What's rap boats got in common with plastic bags? They both a danger to young children.

How can a man make the world safer?

By having the chop.