Safety jokes
Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.
Why do an emo's parents not let them cook, because they are afraid they will cut themselves?
You were born on the freeway, you know why?
Because that's where a lot of accidents happen. 😈
5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"
What do visiting Goatman's Bridge and a bungee jumping accident have in common?
You hear a snap, and suddenly you're falling from a bridge.
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender.
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?
A: They drive slow through school zones.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
Because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt.
Yo mama so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.
Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the car.
Are you a toaster?
'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.
Condoms 99 percent effective.
Birth control 99 percent effective.
Etc.
Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)
How do you kill a retard?
Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.
Chimmy: (smoking because of fireplace)
Chimmy2: You're too young to smoke.
What do you call a criminal?
Disarmed and dangerous.
Stranger: Do you want a lollipop?
Kid: No, I hate lollipops, so yeah, and you are not my daddy.
What did the traffic light say to the truck?
"Don't look, I'm about to change!"