Safety jokes
Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A. A seatbelt.
What do you call a wheelchair user in a fire?
Hot Wheels.
I always use chloroform when stealing a child.
What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.
What did the traffic light 🚦 say? Oh.
A man was taking a child into a dark forest.
The child said, "I'm scared!"
The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."
I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of screaming children.
Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.
I'm not saying you're stupid.
But you're the reason plastic bags come with the warning, "Do not place over head!"
What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Why do midgets have to wear a green bright jacket when crossing the road?
Because they will get turned into a pancake even more.
It's not funny, I know.
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said,
"Why the heck were my children jumping on a bed?"
Why is it bad to climb a tree?
You might fall on an orphan! 🫥
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.
All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.