Why can't orphans cross roads?
They don't have a parent to hold hands with.
What would you do if you see a guy suffocating from the heat? I would call and dial 911, holy shit!
Everyone, just as a warning, stay AWAY from Akeld!
Dad: Where is my son?
Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.
Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?
Son: YES!
Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Who robs and breaks into people's houses?
Which room is the safest place in the house?
The living room.
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.
Why drink water and not bleach?
When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"
Me: "Oh hell nah"
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Why can't weapons play baseball?
Because they need to get to home base.
What's the best part of a terrorist on Fourth of July?
The finale.
When you let the school shooter borrow your pen so he doesn't kill you.
Why couldn't people have their phone on airplane mode during 9/11?
Because their phone exploded the towers.
Why do you like cream instead of bugs?
Because bugs can kill you.
Health and safety tips: Looking at your hairline is hazardous. For your best interest, please look away.
Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?
In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.
Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
