Safety jokes

Then: You want free candy?

Now: You want free Wi-Fi?

I have always been scared of stairs; they're always up to something.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

Me: Hey, that's a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there?

The Quiet Kid: Yeah, magazines.....

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?

Target practice.

Q: Why did Sally survive the car accident?

A: She hit an ambulance.

Where do pedophiles go hunting?

Elementary schools.

More cops died from COVID than anything else last year, hahahaha.

They should have shot COVID instead of Tyrone on the microphone, lmfao.

I usually don’t make school shooting jokes.

Because they’re aimed at a younger audience.

What is the biggest fear of firefighters?

Burnout at work.

If a person walks off a hundred-foot cliff and halfway down screams, "Why did I do that?" Then a second person walks off the same one-hundred-foot cliff and screams the same verse, "Why did I do that?" Then another person walks off the cliff and screams the same line, "Why did I do that," and the next person does the same thing. What do you call that?

(Stupid People)

What time is it when you can drive home from phone?

What is yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of kids.

Are you a toaster?

'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common? They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?

*Knock Knock* Who's there? Social Services...

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.