Safety jokes

Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.

I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.

"If all of these structures break we will all die."

And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"

And he said, "It would be breaking news."

Q: What’s yellow and can’t swim?

A: A bus full of children.

What do babies and explosives have in common?

They both make a noise when you throw them.

I'm not saying you're stupid.

But you're the reason plastic bags come with the warning, "Do not place over head!"

When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She forgot to put her seatbelt on.

What’s yellow and can’t swim?

A bus full of children.

1+1=3

If you don't use a condom.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.

During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."

The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

What's the difference between soccer and a dead baby?

I don't wear steel cap boots when I play soccer.

How do you get the depressed kid out of the tree? You cut the rope.

What do a condom and a gun have in common? You should never use either one of them.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speed bump 😬.

Why didn't the drummer play?

Because he got a percussion.

Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.