Safety jokes

A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.

Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."

Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.

So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.

Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!

Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"

What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?

A baby with flat armbands!

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke."

More cops died from COVID than anything else last year, hahahaha.

They should have shot COVID instead of Tyrone on the microphone, lmfao.

I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.

What's yellow all over and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

What’s yellow and can’t swim?

A bus full of children.

What do you call a wheelchair user in a fire?

Hot Wheels.

The S in America stands for safe.

When the school shooter runs out of ammo: K a l m.

When he grabs a full mag: P a n i k.

When he looks back and doesn't see you, but you're hiding in one of the classrooms: K a l m.

When the autistic kid's Sketchers light up: P A N I K.

Which room is the safest place in the house?

The living room.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.

All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

What do you say before you jump off a building?

Parkour!

If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.

How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.