Safety jokes
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She forgot to put her seatbelt on.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
What's yellow and can't swim? A school bus full of orphans.
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
7 was a registered sex offender.
A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.
The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."
The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of kids drowning.
When the school shooter is just about to leave your classroom, and you think you're in the clear, but the Down syndrome kid says, "Goodbye."
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
What is red and puts out fire?
Billy moved in with 69 pedophiles when he was 8. Many "tears" came across his cheeks.
What Happens When You Get Caught On Fire?
— You Lost To Slmebody When You Were Playing Hide And Seek, And The Place Where You Got Caught Was Exactly On A Patch Of Fire.
If at first you don’t succeed... then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
I slip on the wet floor, haha silly water :)
-Kachow!!!!!!!!!!!
-LMQ, You know what comes before lighting? THUNDER KACHIGA
Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?