Safety jokes
A father of five puts on a gas mask and a hazard suit and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked, "Dad, what are you wearing?"
The father answered with, "A costume for Halloween."
The child asked, "Can I join?" He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. After that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt. The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed." The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong." The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
Gun control...
A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.
Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"
Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"
Priest: "Fuck the children."
Rabbi: "Do we have time?"
Priest: "There's always time for something like that."
Q: What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A: A bus full of children.
Yo' mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, 2, 3, 6, 10, floor.
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"
Are you a toaster, because I want to have a bath with you.
What do you call an autistic kid coming to school with a gun?
Special Forces incoming!
What's yellow and can't swim but screams when it goes under?
A school bus full of kids.
How do you get a depressed girl to suck your dick?
Pour bleach on it.
What is a paedo's favourite time of year?
Halloween because they get free delivery.
Toaster + Bath = The ultimate bath bomb!
What’s one good thing about a pedophile?
They drive slow in school zones.
What do you get when you mix a white guy and a fire?
A firecracker.
When the school shooter is just about to leave your classroom, and you think you're in the clear, but the Down syndrome kid says, "Goodbye."