Safety jokes

Are you a toaster, because I want to have a bath with you.

Toaster + Bath = The ultimate bath bomb!

The sun is out, and the pedo vans are out.

Parents, keep your kids away from ice cream vans. Once they hear the sound, you'll never see your kids again!

Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?

A: They drive slow through school zones.

Don't drink and park.

Accidents cause people.

I give props to pedophiles.

They always go slow in the school zones.

Gun control...

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

As tragic as school shootings are, it's also a quick way to a late-term abortion.

How do you tell if a blond is really stupid?

Put a scratch and sniff on a bleach pod.

What's big and yellow and can't swim? A bus filled with children.

Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

A father of five puts on a gas mask and a hazard suit and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked, "Dad, what are you wearing?"

The father answered with, "A costume for Halloween."

The child asked, "Can I join?" He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. After that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."

The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."

The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

*Knock Knock* Who's there? Social Services...

I drank some dye before, but don't worry, I've only dyed a little inside.

Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.

Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.

Students: Hiding under desk.

Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!

What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?

Answer: Hot wheels...

Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.