Tip Jokes

random person

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3… The boy said, “Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she’s in Grade 4”.

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don’t have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal’s eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: O MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with ‘F’ and ends wit a ‘K’ and if you don’t get it, you’ve to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo !

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, “Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!”

Yaboy69

Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.

2
Anonymous
in Blonde

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? The cabinet had sleeping pills.

Anonymous
in Toilet Paper

Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves…today was the tip of the iceberg

2
Dads are like boomerangs, I hope.
in Priest

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

Anonymous
in Exam

I have an exam next week so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips

Top tip; if your wife asks “what would you like to do to my body?” ‘identify it’ is the wrong answer

Anonymous

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

1
B....Queen
in Man

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of ten dollar bills so he asks the bartender if its a jar of tips. The bartender says no, its for a bet. So the man asks what the bet is and the bartender says, well if you put ten dollars into the jar then knock out the bouncer, next you go outside and remove a rotten tooth out of the rottweiler’s mouth, and last you go upstairs and give an orgasm to the fat lady who has never had one. If you can do all those things then you get everything in the jar as well as free drinks for the month. So the guy puts in ten dollars, turns to the guy next to him and knocks him out with one punch. Then the guy continues outside, all you hear for an hour is screaming and whining from the dog, when all is silent the man walks in and asks, so where is the fat lady with the tooth?

Paul F.C
in Nun

A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where saint Peter greets them hello sisters welcome to heaven before you enter I must ask you all a question he asks the first nun have you ever touched a penis well she said just once with the tip of my little finger ok dip it in the holy water and you can enter he repeats the question to the second nun well she says I might of held one once ok says st Peter wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter just then there’s a commotion down the line one nun is trying to push in front of another st Peter says sister Susan there is no rush you will get in that’s fine she replys but if I have to gargle that stuff I want to get in before sister Mary sticks her arse in it.

Anonymous

what did the leper say to the prostitute? don’t worry you can keep the tip.

Gwen
in Funny

Tip for Kindness for the day.

Tip one. Always speak up for your self. Yes, letting someone else speak up for you is nice but also speak up for your self be brave if a mean bully comes along. Speak up for your self and others if they need it. Best-Gwen

Anonymous

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

0
MyGpasAPedo

911 whats your emergency? Me: Officer My Girlfriend is dead! Operator: What Happened!? Me: She Bit The Tip

Anonymous
in Prostitution

What did the leper say to the hooker? “You can keep the tip.”

Anonymous

how do u properly eat a vegetable you tip over the wheel chair

N
in Zombie

Here’s a tip for cow tipping from TheRussianBadger. “So if you see Otis from Barnyard, make sure you blast his ass from a distance.”

Iariah
in Funny

Gwen just wanted to help you with the bullying. tip 1. Ignore them, bullys are really just cowards. tip 2. Stand up for your self, its ok for people to also help you but you do the same for your self! 3. Just let them be, their just stupid! Love you-Iariah

Anonymous
in Post

Rachel won the lottery twice in two years. Her friend Jim called her every day asking for tips on winning just the same. Then one day, simply to get rid of him Rachel said. Watch two martial arts movies , eat three pieces of hard beef jerky, and pick a fight at a bar. Jim replied with a shocked look, that’s what I do after Mr tugman shakes my hand to long.

Anonymous

What does a waiter in a Chinese restaurant call a customer that won’t leave a tip?? A"plick".

D....... king

What is Riley browns favourite game tipping over people in wheelchairs

Anonymous
in Cow

what do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip!

A woman named "Kariah"

A girl named Kariah was at a night club, she was twerking and shaking but she was just there for fun with her friends will untill some guy name Jaden came up to her and started flirting with her. Jaden: WOW Girl! Kariah: What? Jaden: Its just that a sexy girl like you should be haveing sex not begging for sex! Kariah: Okay listen pimp I don’t know who you are but I don’t want you around me one bit! Jaden grabbed her hips with such FORCE! Jaden: Come on lets go somewhere…priviet! and have a good time a fun time! Kariah slaped him and left the night club telling her friends she was gone. Leaving a tip for the drinks she bought. Daina: Hey whats wrong? Mary: Yeah! Greg: Sweetie…tell us. Ariana: Come on…did some one try to touch you in a weird way?! Kariah wanted to tell them but couldn’t it was to personal. Kariah: Uh I have to go…its way passed my curfew! Love you! Kariah sighed, and waited for a cab down by Heyo street. Then a cab man started dirty talking her…DIRTY! Cab man: Hey, sexy lady! where are you going?..need a…wow…whoohoo…dang…ride? Kariah rolled her eyes then stuck her tongue out at the cab man. This fucking cab men said this. Cab man: Ooooo…use that for the sex! Kariah: I don’t think so! Cab man: ha uh ha… I see the way your looking at me I know you like me! Kariah walks away from him and finds another cab but the cab man did not take her mean talk and weird silents for an answer. instead the cab man got out of is “Cab” and harrowed around her. Cab man: HEY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING!?Kariah: TO MY KIDS AND MY HUSBAN! SO GET LOST BITCH!!! You see Kariah was married, she just came to be with her friends at a night club. Cab man gets close to her so she ran…she ran as fast as she could till she triped on her high heels, once the cab man got close to her he picked her up…I think you know what he did okay I’ll tell you. Cab man picked her up and took her back to the cab a.k.a taxi of course she was not gonna give up without a fight…will she gave up! Cab man: I know ya like me! I just know it! You dressed up in a hoochie and sluty dress for nothing will wrong you LIKE ME maybe love if we get lucky! He drove her to his house and then took off is cloths “underware included” got on top of her and “Rape was born again”. Kariah did not remember a thing that night only that she was forced agianst her will too will have “S.E.X”