Safety jokes
I'd rate the pilot a 9/11.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
1+1=3
If you don't use a condom.
Best not leave hungry kids unattended!
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
What do you call a person in a wheelchair in a burning building?
Hot wheels! 😎
What's yellow and can't swim? A school bus full of orphans.
Why did the child cross the road?
Because he didn’t wear a seatbelt.
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.
Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D
There are women complaining about being r@ped.
JUST DON'T GO NEAR DARK ALLEYS WITH A SPORTS BRA ON. 😁
Why are planes the most dangerous killers?
Because they killed 2,996 people in 10-25 minutes.
Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Cause he would never look both ways.
I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.
Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.
911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"