What's yellow and can't swim? A school bus full of orphans.
Why did the child cross the road?
Because he didn’t wear a seatbelt.
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.
Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D
There are women complaining about being r@ped.
JUST DON'T GO NEAR DARK ALLEYS WITH A SPORTS BRA ON. 😁
Why are planes the most dangerous killers?
Because they killed 2,996 people in 10-25 minutes.
Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Cause he would never look both ways.
I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.
Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.
911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"
Why did the man go across the train tracks to get to the other side?
What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered sex offender.
Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.
You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
What gets hard when tugged and fits perfectly in between boobs... A seatbelt.
Not a joke, but this needs saying. Please can someone do something about all the pedo posts on here. It’s honestly just nasty.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
7 was a registered sex offender.
