I always use chloroform when stealing a child.
Safety Jokes
Why did the orphan not call 911 when he saw a tower catch fire?
'Cause he did not want any kids to go through the same pain.
What do you get when you mix a white guy and a fire?
A firecracker.
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.
I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.
I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.
Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Your mama is so fat, when she farted, the world had to wear gas masks.
I'd rate the pilot a 9/11.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
1+1=3
If you don't use a condom.
Best not leave hungry kids unattended!
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
