Safety jokes

When you let the school shooter borrow your pen so he doesn't kill you.

If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!

I will never forget my grandpa's last words, Hold the ladder!

How did the man with a small penis become a rapist? His condom fell off.

Why is my anus burning?

'Cause I sat on an open lighter, oh god, help!

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.

All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

Why was the American kid late to school?

Because he was too busy putting on his bulletproof vest.

I always use chloroform when stealing a child.

Why did the orphan not call 911 when he saw a tower catch fire?

'Cause he did not want any kids to go through the same pain.

What do you get when you mix a white guy and a fire?

A firecracker.

Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.

I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.

I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.

Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?

All the exit signs were in English.

You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.

Your mama is so fat, when she farted, the world had to wear gas masks.