Suicide attempt jokes
If the noose breaks, stab yourself!
If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!
If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*
An emo tried to give a tree a hive, but it left him hanging.
Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.
When the emo kid is about to hang himself in the school bathroom, and the autistic kid starts swinging the rope like Indiana Jones!
Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!
A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.
This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.
So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.
Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.
There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
What caused the Great Depression? A lack of comedians.
My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.
When you're asked to tell a crazy story, but the first thing that comes up to your mind is a suicide attempt:
"Oh, I don't remember anything in particular. 😅😀"
Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"
There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.
My attempt in 2021.
And my attempt this year.
Once I almost died. I'll give it another shot out of the gun to finish my job.
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?
The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.