Suicide attempt jokes
If the noose breaks, stab yourself!
If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!
If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*
Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.
An emo tried to give a tree a hive, but it left him hanging.
When the emo kid is about to hang himself in the school bathroom, and the autistic kid starts swinging the rope like Indiana Jones!
There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
What caused the Great Depression? A lack of comedians.
Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?
My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.
There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"
Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.
My attempt in 2021.
And my attempt this year.
Once I almost died. I'll give it another shot out of the gun to finish my job.
Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.
What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?
The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.
A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.
This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.
So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.
Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?
Dave: No.
Jason: Well, he hit his first target.
There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.