Suicide attempt jokes

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.

My attempt in 2021.

And my attempt this year.

There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

What caused the Great Depression? A lack of comedians.

My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

When you're asked to tell a crazy story, but the first thing that comes up to your mind is a suicide attempt:

"Oh, I don't remember anything in particular. 😅😀"

Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.