What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Safety Jokes
Why can't orphans go outside?
Because they have no parents to watch them!
Stranger: Do you want a lollipop?
Kid: No, I hate lollipops, so yeah, and you are not my daddy.
What begins in F and ends in UCK?
Fire truck.
Today we had the best adventure ever! We started playing in the yard and doing ramps in a party van!
It all started when Timmy and I were playing in the yard and a white rusty van drove up to our yard. A nice man told us to get in. We said we would love to go, but our mommies wouldn't want us to go. The man said your mommies told me it was OK to come.
We hopped in the back and sped away super fast! The man gave us some candy, but Timmy and I were not hungry, so we didn't eat it. We saved it for later. After a while, I was wondering where we were going. I was about to ask the man, but then there was a whooping sound and some flashing blue lights! "Hey they want to party with us!" Timmy yelled over the whooping. "Party van!" I yelled.
Timmy and I started dancing and whooping and the van began driving faster, doing crazy race car stunts, and jumps! Then we noticed the lights and whooping were coming from some cars that were following us. The cars were black and white and said "P O L I C E” on the side.
We started to wave to them, but then the van did a HUGE jump and we flew out of the back of the van to the side of the road into some dirt, but it didn't really hurt that much. The van drove off without us, and I was really sad. Then Timmy told me the dirt was perfect for making mud pies. I was happy again. We played in the dirt awhile, until some people dressed like firefighters found us and brought us home. And then you asked me what happened. "Isn’t that right mommy?"
How do you get 500 drunk TTC people out? "Ah, on fire, a warning shot." "Uhhh sir, it's a M92 mortar." "Ah, just fire the shot!" Please get out before you get triggered from the pool and you have no clothes showing your nono parts. Oh wait, please get out of the pool drunk people. Potato, potatoes, fire ze shot.
Who robs and breaks into people's houses?
A kid and a man are walking into a forest at night.
Kid: "Mr., it's getting dark. I'm scared!"
Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
I gave the blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer.
Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"
Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"
Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"
When you go over a speed bump, but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone.
What begins with F and ends with CK?
Fuck, I mean fire truck.
When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.
Why did the wall fall over?
A drunk driver hit it going 90mph and died.
Why can’t the baby cross the road?
Walls.
Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.
When the quiet kid tells you not to go to school the next day, but your mom makes you go anyway.
My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.
Hiiiiiiiii, I said, Man, want candy? Me, YESSSSSS! Me, gets kidnaped.
What is a paedo's favourite time of year?
Halloween because they get free delivery.
