Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.
What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.
Friend: Why did you touch me?
Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...
I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.
People say dogs are like their owners. So true. My dog keeps on running into the street as if she doesn't care about her life.
I don't care about her life either hahahaha!! :)
Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening.
Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
What do you think is going through kids' heads during school shootings? Bullets.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
When the school shooter is just about to leave your classroom, and you think you're in the clear, but the Down syndrome kid says, "Goodbye."
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
Always practice safe sex: paint an X on the sheep that kick.
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
Why did sally cross the road? She didn’t wear her seatbelt
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
