Fred

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

So 6 is scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 10 have PTSD?

He was stuck in the middle of 9/11.

Give a man a plane ticket, and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane, and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Why did the child cross the road?

Because he didn’t wear a seatbelt.

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well.

Why doesn't Iran have any Walmarts?

Because they have a Target at every corner.

Got kidnapped in Iran. Luckily, I ran.

Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baboom.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

An orphan boy at my school did really bad in a test and started crying.

I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."

Dark humor is like food not everyone gets it

We need to stop making jokes about orphans. They will tell their parents. Oh wait...

Master has given Dobby a Glock. Dobby is Thug.