Safety jokes
Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.
You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
What gets hard when tugged and fits perfectly in between boobs... A seatbelt.
Not a joke, but this needs saying. Please can someone do something about all the pedo posts on here. It’s honestly just nasty.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
7 was a registered sex offender.
There were 5 people on an airplane.
1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world
The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."
"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."
The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.
The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.
The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.
Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"
And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"
What's the best part of a terrorist on Fourth of July?
The finale.
It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.
The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!
Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.
Why did the kid cross the road?
Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt! 😂
Why did the blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
Why can't you run with a pencil in the hallway? Because too many people got killed!
What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?
I can't jump off a burrito.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
Why can't weapons play baseball?
Because they need to get to home base.
I was going 80 in a school zone and the speed bump was screaming.
Why does fireman wear red suspenders?
To hold his pants up.
What do you call a feminist with a rape whistle? Delusional and optimistic.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.