Place jokes

What did Harry Houdini say when he did his famous vanishing act at a sushi place?

"Now sashimi, now you don't!"

A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.

The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.

Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!

A no legged manager runs the nearest pizza place called Your Pizza Is A Joke.

I (J0K35) worked there and this happened...

Manager: WHY ARE THE PINEAPPLES IN THE TRASH?

Me: Because nobody eats fucking pineapple pizza.

Manager: THAT'S IT! I'M KICKING YOU OUT OF THIS PLACE!

Me: You can't kick me out.

Manager: Why not? Huh?

Me: Because you need legs to kick, and you don't have any.

There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to bury them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but the second guy refuses the meal.

When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.

In heaven, an angel asks him why.

“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat, though.”

Have you heard the word of the day? It’s "legs".

Now, let’s go back to my place and I can spread them.

Three guys walk into a bar; the fourth one ducks.

What’s an autistic person's favorite movie:

A Quiet Place?

Why do orphans play baseball?

Because they have to run back to home base.

Orphan: Wanna have a sleepover?

Friend: But you're an orphan.

Orphan: Just wanted a place to sleep tonight!

I asked my mother about her mom.

She said she was in a better place. After that, I asked her where that place is. She didn't know, so I sent her to a better place.

What type of place would Papyrus hang out at?

The SPA-ghetti!

*insert ba dum tss here*

What do you call a zoo with no dogs? A shit zoo! 😂😂😂😂😂

There are days I feel really bad for my Wife. She has to feed me in the same place I take a dump.

She really hates it when I spit my food back out.

Where did the mouse go?

To the mouse-um!

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:

"F*ck off! You won’t bring it back."

We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.

I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"

A little boy went to church. The priest said, "Get in the following positions: stand, then kneel, then bow." The little boy replies, "Can you hurry up and f**k me already?"

Why do orphans cry so much?

They can’t find a place to go.

I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?

Friend: I have the eye of the tiger.

Me: So what? I have the balls of a gorilla.

Parents: We can't come back to the zoo next week!