Santa Claus jokes
Roses are red. He shows no remorse.
Santa Claus Has joined the terrorist force.
It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!
"You gotta bleed before you teeth."
- Santa Claus
Yo mama so fat, when Santa Claus went down the chimney, he said, "Ho, ho, hooooly sh*t!"
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: “Wrap” music.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
Yo mama is so short, Minions look down at her.
Yo mama is so fat that she volunteered for the Hunger Games 'cause she thought it was an eating competition.
Yo mama is so ugly when Santa Claus saw her, he yelled "Ho Ho Holy Sh*t!"
Yo mama is so old, when she walked into an antique store, they didn't let her leave.
Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
Why can't orphans celebrate Christmas?
Father Christmas left them.
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.
Sister: No, I won't stop.
Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.
Sister: What? You will see when I post it.
Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?
Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
Three Things I Want For Christmas From Santa:
1. A Lambo
2. A House
3. UR MOM
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
Santa Claus gets to leave the chimney alive.
How many wives does Santa have?
Ho Ho Ho!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?
I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.