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Night

Emma

I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating “Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn”

Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”

Day

Anonymous

Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked in to the classroom. The teacher asked them, “Why are you arguing?”

One of the boys replied, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Jesus

Canadian

A man goes into heaven and there he meets jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says “that is mother teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied”. “There is Abraham Lincolns clock. He has .lied twice so it has moved twice.” “Where is Donald Trump’s?” Ask’s the man. Jesus answers “it is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan.”

Die

MyJokesRBetterThanYours

A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie. It’ll be fun.” “Ok,” the mom and son reply happily. “Let me start,” says the son. “Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom. “I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son. “Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom. “Your right!” He replies. “I’ll go next,” says the dad. I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.” “Hmm… Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son. “The lie isn’t that your adopted.” Says the dad.

Wife

Anonymous

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”

Kid

Anonymous

One time this kid came back from school and said “Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?” And his mom said "Good news please.’’ and the boy said “I got 100% on my math test today” and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said “Now to the bad news, I LIED”

People

JB

Statistics show that 1 in 3 people live next to a padophile however I think that’s a lie because I just live next to 2 stunning 8 year olds

Dad

Phil Swift

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he’d be fine and it’d only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

Green

John Doe

What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels

Difference

Anonymous

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan : he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again”. His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude’s pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, “Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!” The first guy says “Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!”

Confusion

Anonymous

The next sentence is telling the truth. The previous sentence is telling a lie.

Cheetah

Jayce

The cheetah had a race with a lion and the cheetah won, lion was like why you always a cheetah the cheetah was like why you always lion (lying).

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Make

A Joke Robot

make sense of what I am saying, This is a LIE- and that’s the TRUTH.

what am I? answer: a Riddle.

Son

Anonymous

A mom gave her son “the talk”. her son replies "wait so there really isn’t candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied.

Baby

Anonymous

So one day I was walking home from school with my best friend sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that bob the class rep got her pregnant a eight months ago and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said “sally it’ll be ok I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson” “yeah thanks suzy” she said to me then went into her house. The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school so I was like oh she must be in trouble with her mom I’ll go check on her So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands “oh hello. Is that Sally’s son!! Can I see sally?” Her mom says sure and I go inside but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone “here lies sally 2004-2020” so I ask her mom in tears “oh did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied “you could say that…”

Girl

BOY SCOUT

what is red, green, lies in a ditch and is covered in cookie crumbs?

…a girl scout that got hit by a car

Face

hutchy

why did cinderella get kicked out of disney land because she sat on Pinocchios face and said lie bastatd lie

Bull

Anonymous

What is it called when a bull lies about other bulls?

Bullying.

Annoying

Crypto

How do you annoy Pinocchio? Ask him “Do you always tell lies?” (think about it)

People

unicorn sprinkles

I only trust people that like big butts… they cannot lie.

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