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A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the f...ing autopsy!”

I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating “Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn”

Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”

Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked in to the classroom. The teacher asked them, “Why are you arguing?”

One of the boys replied, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he’d be fine and it’d only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie. It’ll be fun.” “Ok,” the mom and son reply happily. “Let me start,” says the son. “Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom. “I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son. “Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom. “Your right!” He replies. “I’ll go next,” says the dad. I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.” “Hmm… Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son. “The lie isn’t that your adopted.” Says the dad.

Once I went to a museum and over heard someone speaking to an employee for information.

“These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells.”

“oh cool”

“this is mother Teresa’s clock, the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied.”

“Makes sense”

“This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice indicating he only lied twice.”

“Where’s Trump’s clock”

“Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan.”

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.

What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels

what is red, green, lies in a ditch and is covered in cookie crumbs?

…a girl scout that got hit by a car

What’s green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? – A nervous wreck.

Stephen Hawking walked to the shop I lied 😄

What has fingernails and legs made of grass? You, I lied about the grass.

A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie. It’ll be fun.” “Ok,” the mom and son reply happily. “Let me start,” says the son. “Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom. “I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son. “Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom. “Your right!” He replies. “I’ll go next,” says the dad. I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.” “Hmm… Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son. “The lie is the second on.” Says the sad.

What is it called when a bull lies about other bulls?

Bullying.

What’s green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What do you call a person with no arms or legs lying face first in a river? BOB What do you call two people with no arms or legs standing in front of a window? Curt and Rod

How do you annoy Pinocchio? Ask him “Do you always tell lies?” (think about it)

make sense of what I am saying, This is a LIE- and that’s the TRUTH.

what am I? answer: a Riddle.

Why is the Nazi Anthem banned in Germany? Because Horst Wessel Lied.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck