I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn"
Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were "You're standing on my oxygen tube"
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.
I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.
When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
Friened says, "your so drunk last night, u throu a mushroom at a migit and said grow mario grow.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
Last Night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
Last night, I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it was just a Fanta sea!
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."
I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun..... Then it dawned on me
a man walks into a bar, and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. when he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" the man decided not to take the risk. he thought the steaks where too high.
I slept like a log last night.......woke up in the fireplace
Me and a person downtown.
Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.
Me: I guess so.
Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?
Me: I don't know. I used too, but don't anymore.
Person: why'd you stop?
Me: unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.
Whenever I have a one night stand I always use protection
A fake name and fake phone number.
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”
