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A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.”

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? – The letter F.

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? – America.

Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese. – He wants to make America grate again.

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. ¨You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?¨ The Cuban simply says, ¨See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap.¨ The other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Oh, OK.¨

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. ¨You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?¨ The Russian simply states, ¨See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap.¨ Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Ah, yes! Of course.¨

The American scratches his head and goes, ¨I think I see the pattern here.¨ So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!¨

What do you call disabled people that follow politics?

A special interest group.

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? – “Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, …

so Trump can’t tweet it.

How’s Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? – Juan by Juan.

Once I went to a museum and over heard someone speaking to an employee for information.

“These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells.”

“oh cool”

“this is mother Teresa’s clock, the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied.”

“Makes sense”

“This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice indicating he only lied twice.”

“Where’s Trump’s clock”

“Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan.”

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.

These days there are only two political parties in India… BJP and anti-BJP…

Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers? – To keep his ankles warm.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. – That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

What is Donald Trump’s favorite nation? – Discrimination.

Why did the liberal cross the road?

(Ah f... this shit imma kill myself)

I’ve two dogs and two cats, and they are all Democrats…they want a handout everyday

It was 7:00am when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep, he got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat, “What would you like for breakfast?” Billy’s mom asked politely, Billy replied with “whatever dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!”

trump

get it because trump is a joke hahaha i am sooo bad

Hillary Clinton would make a good president

This is American politics that is not true

What do Japanese men do when they vote? – They have an erection.

A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles. Ah, eagles, said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.

Healthcare these days is a bit of an Obamanation.

Do you know why no one speaks about George Washington? John Adams turned him into atoms. John Adams was an alien.