What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? – The letter F.

How’s Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? – Juan by Juan.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.”

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, …

so Trump can’t tweet it.

Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. ¨You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?¨ The Cuban simply says, ¨See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap.¨ The other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Oh, OK.¨

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. ¨You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?¨ The Russian simply states, ¨See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap.¨ Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Ah, yes! Of course.¨

The American scratches his head and goes, ¨I think I see the pattern here.¨ So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!¨

Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese. – He wants to make America grate again.

Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers? – To keep his ankles warm.

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? – America.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. – That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

What is Donald Trump’s favorite nation? – Discrimination.

I was voting for Trump in the 2016 election. It’s been awhile since the last presidential assassination…

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? – “Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”

Make america hate again

These days there are only two political parties in India… BJP and anti-BJP…

A man decides on a day that it is time to buy a pet. He goes to the pet store, looks around and sees a beautiful parrot, sitting quietly on a stick in his cage. Yet the beast has no feet and paws. “What is the matter with you?” the man thinks aloud. “Well, that’s how I was born, I’m actually a faulty parrot” says the bird. “Haha,” the man laughs, “it seems like that parrot understands what I’m saying and even answers!” “I understand everything you say, I am extremely intelligent and very well educated,” says the bird. “Well, if you’re so smart then tell me how you can stay on your stick without legs.” “Well,” says the parrot, “it’s a bit embarrassing, but okay, I wrap my little parrot penis around the stick, like a hook, but I hide that with my thick feathers.” “Wow, you really understand everything I say, do not you?” “Yes, yes,” replies the bird, "and I speak Spanish and English fluently, I can speak on a level about almost everything, politics, religion, sport and philosophy and I specialize in bird science, you should buy me, I am also a very good friend for you. " The man looks at the price tag, 200 euros is on it. “Sorry, I can not afford that.” “Psst,” whispers the parrot as he beckons the man with his wing closer. "Nobody wants me because I do not have legs, just bid 25 euros and you can take me with you." The man offers 25 euros and walks 5 minutes later with the parrot out of the store. A few weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He is fun and interesting, gives good advice, is sympathetic to everyone, in short; the perfect roommate and friend. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says “Pssssssssssst” while he beckons his wing again. The man comes close to the cage. “I do not know if I should tell you this,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the postman.” “What!?” says the man. “Well, the postman came to the door and your wife greeted him in a nothing disguised nightgown and kissed him flat on the mouth.” “And then,” the man hisses, “What happened then?” “Well, the postman came in, grabbed her nightgown and started caressing her everywhere.” “My God,” says the now furious man, “And what else did they do?” “Then he took off her nightgown, went through his knees and started to lick her everywhere, starting at her breasts and getting further and further down.” “And then, what happened, what else did they do?” the man screams . “No idea,” says the papgaai, “I got a boner and thundered off my stick …”

“When Republicans do Politics, it’s a crime. But when Democrats commit crimes, it’s Politics.” —Tyler Nixon

I’ve two dogs and two cats, and they are all Democrats…they want a handout everyday

It was 7:00am when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep, he got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat, “What would you like for breakfast?” Billy’s mom asked politely, Billy replied with “whatever dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!”

Why did the liberal cross the road?

(Ah fuck this shit imma kill myself)