Overeating jokes

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

One does not simply hand over a jar of dirt.

My tower is hard, but after six minutes, it fell over.

Me: I know a good 9/11 joke, but it would probably go over your head.

The Twin Towers: No, it won’t.

What did the plane say to the towers: "Can't go over it, can't go under it, oh no, we got to go through it."

It looks like Kevin Magnussen finally got pole position.

He has the bragging rights that he took over Russia now.

What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.

A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."

The officer said, "There is no traffic."

The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"

Q: Why does Pewdiepie prefer knives over guns?

A: Because knives don't have barrels.

How do you make a body disappear?

You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!

P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.

Guys, I'm back...

Here's my joke:

What is blue and red all over?

Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.

What's red and got makeup all over?

A Bill Cosby victim.

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

When you ask an orphan to come over:

Kid: "Do you want to come over to my house?"

Orphan: "Yeah, sure."

Kid: "Ok, ask your parents—oh wait."

When the emo kid says let’s play truth or dare, You know it’s about to hang over.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

Q: What do you get when the cow jumped over the barbed wire? A: Udder destruction!

Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"

Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."

Wilt Chamberlain may have spread his seed among many women, but Kobe spread his brain matter all over California.