Russia Jokes

Anonymous

Russian history in 5 words: “And then things got worse.”

Yeetus

Americans be like: Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road.

England be like: Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road.

Russians after a car accident be like: Here in Russia, road is road.

Anonymous
in Trump

Why are Trump’s ties so long?

Because they go all the way to Russia.

2
Communist boi
in Communist

In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually

1
USSR Soldier

In America planes hit the twin towers. In Soviet Russia Twin Towers hit planes.

4
Anonymous
in Communist

in normal country they have lemonade in soviet russia they have Leninade “refresh yourself with a cold war.”

MyMom

Gays: I like men Straights: I like women Russia:Hole is hole

Volodymyr Zelenskyy

Russia

Anonymous

In Soviet Russia, gay sex gets you arrested.

In America, getting arrested gets you gay sex.

random person

(found on web) There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip”

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip”.

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see… Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?”

With heavy breath, John told him “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.”

“What???” Said the coach… “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified”

“I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls”

Danial D

I’ve been trying to use Google Maps in Ukraine, but I couldn’t because I only saw Russia.

Danial D
in Ukraine

I’ve been trying to use Google Maps in Ukraine, but I couldn’t because I only saw Russia.

Anonymous
in Politics

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. ¨You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?¨ The Cuban simply says, ¨See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap.¨ The other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Oh, OK.¨

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. ¨You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?¨ The Russian simply states, ¨See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap.¨ Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Ah, yes! Of course.¨

The American scratches his head and goes, ¨I think I see the pattern here.¨ So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!¨

Anonymous
in Stop

Russia and Ukraine are running a marathon. Who do you think won? Russia did. Russia gave Ukraine a migraine.

Omnom

Americans: we drive on the right side of the road

The British: we drive on the left side of the road

Russia: ROAD IS ROAD crashing noises follow

Anonymous

What was the name of Russia’s first female traffic cop?

Ivana Pulyova

paraLOLagram

Why is Russia invading Ukraine? «Мы хотим вернуть Советский Союз!»

It's Me your boy

What do you call a white kid who kills another? Russia vs Ukraine hahaha

random person

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia. The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

“Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please.”

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night’s rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

“Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke.”

Anonymous

Ukraine (🇺🇦) Vs Russia (🇷🇺) place your bets!!!