Overeating jokes

What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles over your head with a 5 foot rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

POV: Wine Taster in hell.

I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"

The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.

"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."

"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."

Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

You got no lotion to masturbate, then you remember there's some leftover porridge in the fridge. 😌🤎😇

I was at a milk store and ordered some milk.

They brought it over but spilled it on me.

I said that was a udder failure!

My wife is so fat. After sex, I rolled over twice. I was still on top of the bitch!

I was at the bank yesterday.

A lady asked to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why did the man get run over?

Ur mom XD

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and all over their land.

What is brown and sticky?

The leftovers of the iceberg.

"Why didn't the boy pick up his ice cream?" - Margaret

"Why?" - Depressed boy

"Because he got ran over." - Margaret

"I wish that was me." - Depressed boy

I know a good airplane joke, but it will probably go over your head.

Twin Towers: "No, it won't."

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Dragon.

Dragon deez nuts.

Dragon deez nuts who?

DRAGON DEEZ NUTS ALL OVER YOUR FACE!

So a lady came up to me today at the bank, and she asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

Your mama's so fat, when she asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.

What is Donald Trump's hairstyle called?

A comb-over.

The thing about 9/11 and the jokes about it, for most people it flew over their head, for some it flew into their head.

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.